Back to December

~

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
we small talk, work and the weather;
Your guard is up and I know why.

'Cause the last time you saw me
is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

So this is me swallowing my pride
standing in front of you, saying "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right;
and I go back to December all the time.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
staying up, playing back myself leaving,
when your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times;
I watched you laughing from the passenger side,
and realized I loved you in the fall.

And then the cold came, the dark days when the fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love
and all I gave you was goodbye.

So this is me swallowing my pride
standing in front of you, saying "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind;
and I go back to December all the time.

I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile
so good to me, so right.
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
the first time you ever saw me cry.

Maybe this is wishful thinking,
probably mindless dreaming;
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.

So this is me swallowing my pride
standing in front of you, saying "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right;
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind.

And I go back to December all the time;
all the time.

~

I love you, okay? Forgive me if it's hard for me to swallow the fact that I'll never see you again in less than two years.

I'm not you. Everything that happened can't just mean nothing to me like it can to you. I can't just not care. I can't shrug off living without you just like that.

Forgive me for having these idiotic fucking emotions. I'm sorry; sorry that I'm stupidly, mindlessly, recklessly, uselessly in love. I can't help it. I can't forget everything that happened.

But I guess I'll have to.
--

Intrams 2010 :D

Tuesday

Lalala. Haha. Well, today was the first day. I got to school late. D: Didn't get to see my Bambi go swimming. :( Oh well. Tomorrow, I shall be early! XD

Also, our feeble attempts at "cheering" were.. well.. feeble. Hahaha. Seriously, people said they barely even heard us. (>_>) But oh well. At least we tried! ..Sorta.

Well, that's one major even down. I joined dodgeball, too. Though I was pretty damn discouraged by.. something. One of the girls, Kim, fell on her knee and dislocated her femur from her kneecap. OUCH, man. She didn't cry, but her sister did. I freaked out just thinking about it. AGH.

(One of the few things I'm scared of: PAIN. I can do pretty much anything if I knew there was no chance it'd hurt. AND that I'd get into trouble. Haha.)

Ho hum. What else happened today?

Tres Marias had a reunion!! What brought us back together? SECRET. Hahaha. Blue eyeliner! We felt purdy. XD (Plus Carleen, who tagged along. :D FCLA FTW! --pronounced FUH-KHLAH FOR THE WIN!)

I also have load!! Hahaha. :) Oh and I ate two burgers today. XD WTF. Anyway. I think that's all there is to say. I shall be editing this tomorrow, and Thursday. Which reminds me. I must pack. XD

Bye, for now. (:

Wednesday

What happened today? I didn't play anything. Mostly watched people. :D It was fun, though. We ordered! And he ended up wanting twister fries. Haha. XD

(Also, we made out a bit. Haha. Shh)

I don't think there's anything else of note. Today was the boring day.

OOH. He chased me across the quad after dismissal. XD 'Cause.. I felt like it! Haha. The floor was wet, mind you. And I didn't slipfalldie. Congratulate me! :>

Thazall, folks. ;)

Thursday

Waha, today's the last day of Intrams! O:

What to say, what to say. Well. We ordered. AGAIN. O_O He ordered FOUR sets of Twister Fries. And got a stomach ache after, serves him right. :P

(Sometime in the morning, on our way to the GrandStand, he randomly said out of nowhere. "You have a fine ass." Seriously, what the hell. HAHAHA.)

I don't think I feel like going to Intrams Night. (>_<) Not my thing. But oh well. Apparently I must "socialize." Bleh. Haha.

OOH. Cool thing. Softball game, Juniors vs. Alumni. BOYS. And you know what? Our boys beat 'em HARD. That's one of the few times I was so happy and proud to be in my batch. We can be really retarded and irresponsible and not united, but DAMN, we can play.

(We, meaning the people who play sports. Not me. Haha.)

I think that's all. (:

(*sigh* Songs make me sad. Taylor Swift, you talented girl. Your songs always kill me. Oh well. Depression is good. Less eating. Haha)

Bye~

Lest ye become a monster~

That line in my title is from a quote by Nietzsche;

"Battle not with monsters
lest ye become a monster;

and if you gaze into the abyss,
the abyss gazes also into you."

It's a very true quote. In fighting our demons so fiercely, how can we not help but become one of them?
In a similar way, we try our hardest to solve all the "big" problems, but every careless step we take to find the solution, we make dozens of seemingly negligible nuisances, until they start piling up. And that's when things get dirty.

I mean, c'mon. You think everything's small potatoes until the potatoes pile up. You'd think you were encountering something big, until you're up against something bigger, and you start thinking what you went through before was nothing, really.

In short, life's a bitch. Haha.

But I guess that's just a frame of thought. I may not be so.. profound in other cases. :D

For some reason, right now I'm fascinated with Space. Tiny pinpoints of light against a backdrop of pure nothingness. That, it seems to me, is what Hope really is. It doesn't matter how black it gets, or how few and far apart the specks are. What matters is that they're still there.

Then again, those lights could be dead. Our Sun could die and we'd feel the backlash only in a few minutes. Neptune would receive it in nearly two hours. The stars we see, how are we sure they're still burning? We get the aftermath of the supernovas probably centuries later, and all we see is beauty. That thing died, and all we can do is point and scream "Purdy!"

Now, if only we thought about everything else like that. Imagine, if there are infinitesimally tiny beings screaming in glorious wonder every time you crushed a bug or ripped a weed up by its roots. Maybe the stars are the gnats of the macroverse, and we're amazed at the beauty of it all and trying to predict them with equations and experiments, and at the end of all that, they'd just smacked against the proverbial windshield.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Then again, life is just a matter of perspective, isn't it? You have to know how to tilt your head to connect the dots right. All that really limits you is your imagination, screw the physical world. And even then, you can dream up anything.

You'd never know what it's like to imagine an illogical world. I mean, really. If you imagined something like venomous spaghetti with a taste for carrot-eyed raisins, or a talking leaf shooting dozens of fish through its stomata, it's not really impossible. That notion, that idea, that thing, is in existence, albeit in your mind.

Time is a still lake, not a flowing river. Things are in each moment, like they are in each place. The difference is, a million things could be in a moment, and only one thing can be in one place in one time. Or maybe that's just my perspective. Then again, I don't think my brain could swallow all that just yet, the idea of more than one thing being in in one point in space in one point in time. It's just all so... Whoa. Haha.

--

I guess now I realize what got my dad so fascinated with Physics. It's complicated, but that complexity is what makes it so goddamn beautiful. It's difficult, sure, but when you finally understand, you'll appreciate that. It really wouldn't be half so amazing if all the answers were handed to you on a silver platter, am I right?

But now, I must go. Man, this has been one amazingly deep entry. o-o

And so, to wrap it up and see me off, I shall end with another of Nietzsche's well-known quotes:

"Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane
by those who could not hear the music."

~the Raspberry Scribbler.

Shiny big black cars

Well, it's intrams next week. Hurray. :D

Also, I have badminton later. I will die. >_> But oh well. For the greater good, I'm sure. I will not relent! *fist pump* ...Ow, my shoulder.

Kidding. I'm not that weak. ;)

I have made my entire screen one huge sticky note! :D And I love the font it's in, too. So much that I'm gonna make this post in that font. And maybe if I like it enough, I'll switch my blog's main font to that one. XD

There's no internet. :( Waha.

And I HAVE NO LOAD. TT_TT What am I going to dooo.

Oh, look. I mooched off my neighbor's internet. XD Because they so kindly gave me their password a few days ago. Haha. Having an apartment with nice neighbors is cool.

Now, if only we had really cool barbecues every now and then.. GAH!

I've done something I don't normally do. This is bad for my metabolism. And it's one more reason I should seriously get into the badminton.

I. Ate. Six burgers. In. One. WEEK. O_O

I feel so ashamed of myself. That's SIX TIMES MORE THAN I'VE EATEN IN THE PAST EIGHT YEARS. Fuck. I'm a pig. I'M A FUCKING PIG.

*sigh*

Now. Time for something funny, to get my mind off this stressful topic.

... You know what, nevermind. I'm not in the mood.

.. Ah, what the hell. Haha. No harm in trying. (I found this on the net, so if it doesn't make you laugh, it's not my fault. XD Bahaha.)

Army -- No retreat, no surrender!
Air Force -- No guts, no glory!
Navy -- No pain, no gain!
Police -- No valor, no honor!

Security Guard -- No ID, no entry!

BLEH. Hahaha.

(The radio is making me .. soupy. To use my best friend's term. Hahaha.)

I need more movies//songs to download. (>_<) Waha.

But hey. I'm going home next week! (or, if you count Sunday as the first day of the week, this week. Haha)

And daddy owes me a new jacket. XD And mom has promised to get me some new things. But I felt like crying when I realized there was a Von Dutch in SM over here, and I couldn't go. It was like a physical pain, really.

No, I'm not being materialistic. I love Von Dutch. I had some awesome memories in those shops. Ninety per cent of my clothes come from there, honestly. Blouses, dresses, shoes, jeans. It expresses my personality completely. You have no idea how hard it is to find a store that can do that.

Rebellious, comfortable, moody, colorful, random.
(and, of course, AWESOME. *grin*)

Well, anyway. I think this is all I've got time for. I love typing when the font is pretty. XD

--the Raspberry Scribbler. ;]

Paper faces on parade~

Meh. I don't feel like being nice. Today sucks.

Tomorrow will suck, too. For one reason alone. But.. meh. I'll live with it.

I actually don't give a damn about most other people. If they judge me, they judge me, and I resent them for it. If they don't, I won't. Jeez.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. --Dr. Seuss! :D

Also, apparently his name is German, and pronounced "Soice." Cool. Wikipedia is your friend! Haha.

Anyway. Back to depression? I think so.

The rain won't even calm me down today, but fuck that. I'm so.. sick of this. I hate how my mood can change. I hate how everything is so inconsistent, how it can't be all good so I love it or all bad so I hate it. Damn.

Hm. Off the top of my head, three things I want right now.

3. Escape. You will never know how badly I need (yes, NEED) this because you will never understand. I need to know what it feels like to be more than just half of a whole. I need to know how to feel loved, for once. Loved, completely. Unconditionally. I need it to be tangible.

2. Comfort. It's been so long since I last had this, that I honestly don't remember what it feels like. I don't think I'll ever remember, as long as I keep living like this. I want, for once, to be at ease again. Without having to look out for more than myself. I want to learn to care for MYSELF for once. Because I know you can't do it. And I don't want to force you anymore.

1. Release. I need to blow off some steam. Mostly in the form of ranting to my best friend. Or even just talking to her. Why? Because she never judges me. I can act retarded or bitchy and it's gonna be okay. I never had that with you. But that's alright. I don't think I'll ever need to.

*sigh* This became less of a rant and more of a parinig, but hey. I get to do what I get to do, right?

In the immortal words of one of my most awesome friends:

Ang loser mo, pare.

Fudge makes up for lack of Spag. Seriously.

Talking to my cousins cheers me up. I love you guys. Nikole and Crissy, FTW.

>:D<

So, yeah. I'm just going to.. not care anymore. Honestly. I'll just leave you alone. Completely. You want that anyway, right?

Have fun.

Foul mood.

When will you learn that I don't appreciate being compared?

You know what, why don't you just replace me? Because I never asked you to "fix" me, anyway.
Remember that.

-

You keep going on about how you're trying to improve me, since you "care?" You're not "improving" me properly. Haven't you figured out yet how exactly to get me to do something?

Hint: It's not by comparing me to anyone.

All that will achieve is me sullenly accepting it, and resenting you for it, forever. You know how well I can hold a grudge. You know how easily I can pretend I'm fine with it, and just bottle it up so I can explode sometime.

-

You know what? You don't even have to "encourage" me anymore. I've stopped expecting that. I've learned it's so much better not to; that way I won't get my hopes up, and I won't hate you when you crush them.

Damn, I've really got to learn to stop caring completely. You know why that's so hard for me now? Because you were the one who actually taught me to care for something other than myself. And now I'm trying to forget that, but it's not easy. And it's all my fault, actually, for letting myself care.

So I'm not blaming you. I can't blame you, anyway. The blame's always on me, isn't it? That's how it's always been, that's how it'll stay.

-

You know what? I'll just be patient. I can do that.

Maybe your temper and impatience will get the best of you, and you'll just do what we've always known you would. Because I'm anticipating that already.

There's only one possible outcome, if you're considering the long term. I think you know what that is. So.. you don't have to wait 'til then, if you can't. I'll understand.

-

I guess what I'm trying to say is.. thanks for the memories.

I'll be fine. I promise.

Pained throat.

I badly need to write Chapters five, six and seven of Nova. (Yes, I'm thinking of using that as the title now. Dreadfully boring, but still) :D

Good news. I'm trying to get more views for my story, since that's like, the one piece of writing I have ZERO confidence about. O_O

So, here are the links, since you won't find my story in KlutzInk:

Writers' Café

StoryWrite

And, just because I like linking...

"Hey baby, is it okay that I'm on top? 'Cause I'm pretty much over you already,"

amirite?

So awesome. XD

That's all, for now. :D

making Ice Cream.

I'm with Tañah!. Yay us. XD

We're missing the vanilla extract and ziploc bags, though. D: But oh well. Waiting for a miracle.

We're missing alka seltzer for our other experiment, too. D: Wahaha. I don't wanna do the virtual labs. :( Virtual labs are stupid. And useless. And annoying. Grr.

I feel like listening to Maroon 5's new album. :D I wonder if it's any good.

I do know I really want the MCR album, though. GAH. Still excited! XD

I lost 4k, for some reason. :| I'm SO. FUCKING. SCREWED. GAAAAH.

Imma starve next week. And every week after that for everyone's gifts. I'm so screwed. GAAAH. I hate this. Fuck this. T_T

(Is sad)

..

(Is still sad)

..

(Needs a hug)

..

(sigh)

..

I'm gonna go binge first. T_T Too depressed to consider much else.

~

Possible Revamp.

Lalala. Haha.

I feel like revamping my blog, just because. X3 I'll keep black as the main color, of course. It'll go with any color to match my mood. Haha. But.. I just want to.

I'm not sure if I want to change the blog URL, though. Maybe not? ..Nahh. Keep it as it is. :D

I don't think many people will notice, though. TT_TT What's a good way to get more views?

Oh well. I need to find a way to get Century Gothic as the viewable font for every browser. ):

~ the Raspberry Scribbler.

I want Gardenia.

I'm hungry. Really hungry. And there's nothing here I'd like to eat. -__- Suffice it to say that I am NOT pleased with this current situation.

Also. I'm in the middle of writing Chapter Two of... (it's untitled for now. I need some help) and I'm feeling very upset about how it's all going. There hasn't been any dialogue so far, and I'm already 280 words in. I hate dragging on and on, but I can never seem to stop. Damn this.

Also, genius. If you do that one more time, I really will get fed up, and I'm removing the restrictions because I will honestly stop caring. It's either that, or if you do it one more time, you will get no Camo, no games, no gifts, nothing. AND I'm confiscating your PSP. Think about that. You know what I'm talking about.

So, anyway. I'm also kinda pissed that .. eh, never mind. I forgot what it was. -__- Haha.

You know what? I really hate people who think they have flawless grammar, and then say shit like

".. the question asked to you."

THAT ISN'T RIGHT, DIPSHIT. The proper phrasing would be

".. the question you were asked."

".. what was asked of you."

That wording defies logic and sense. In that fucking order.

".. given to you." denotes you were given something, but that does not mean

".. asked to you." denotes you were asked something.

".. asked to you." denotes that it was something you were asked with. Now, think about that. Would you really use the phrase,

"I was asked with my favorite color," in good sense?

"My favorite color was asked to me." Seriously. What the hell?

"The question I was asked concerned my favorite color." --take note, for the idiots, this does NOT mean the question made the color worried. Just clearing that up.

"My favorite color was what was asked of me." --the double "was" doesn't make this redundant, idiot. Jeez.

Honestly. What the hell is wrong with you? -__-

For those who don't claim to be perfect, then yes. You have the good excuse of not knowing this. That's pretty fine. It'll irk some of us grammar Nazis, but we'll either politely correct you, or politely not.

For those who do, well then, fuck you.

Plain fucking fuck you.

~the Raspberry Scribbler.