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My kindergarten best friend.

I'm sorry I can't even remember your name. But thank you, thank you so much for putting up with my crazed child self. Because I know that I took everyone's things and food and never gave any of mine. (:

Barricade.

I still can't accept the fact that there's a huge possibility you're gone from me forever. You know I'm always going to miss you, no matter where in hell I end up or what the circumstances around me may be. I swear to god. You made me feel two important things:

-The giddy over-infatuated feeling of a first real crush, and

-The wonderful solidness of having a friend you know you can rely on

and they're for the same reasons, too, actually. Can you believe that? Haha. You knew when to act all retarded and play along with my insanity, and when to be serious at first and then become retarded. XD You knew just what to do to make me feel insanely great, and it'll be damn impossible to find anyone else like that, ever. Not that I'll try, 'cause nobody could ever replace you. I think I've saved a pretty definite spot in my heart for you; the kind of spot you can't give to anyone else.

GP

I bet you don't even know who you are, dumbfuck. Well, anyway. This entry will not be full of angry swear words. At least, I hope. You were a pretty good almost-best friend, you know. But.. I don't even know what happened. You just started getting really.. meh. I think maybe that was 'cause you liked me, but hey. That's no excuse for letting our friendship go rotten, you know? Maybe this is a cruel thing to say, but.. when you said what you said (and you know what you said) you ruined any chance you had at all of being with me. Actually, you had none. Hahaha. But still, y'know? That.. was totally uncalled for and stupid. Why would you even say that. You ruined TWO YEARS of my life by saying that. You destroyed his trust in me completely. And the most fucked up thing about it? I DID NOTHING TO PROVOKE THAT, DIPSHIT. I mean. With other things. If I was talking to another guy a lot, and he got mad, that's understandable. That actually did happen, you know? But you. God. I hadn't even talked to you for MONTHS. And you had the gall, the fucking gall, to get pissed and depressed when I said I had a boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with you. And then I had to go cheer you up and pretend to give a shit about you, because I'm too damn nice for my own good. And then you went and said that. And then it completely decimated his trust in me. And THAT led to the rule making, the rule breaking, a dozen fights a day, and a lot of pain. Yeah, physical pain. If you ever found out just what you put into my life.. knowing the kind of person you are, you might just kill yourself. I'm actually thinking of letting you know, to see that happen. Imagine. You ended up getting the girl you liked beaten up to shit. I wonder. I fucking wonder.

Juliet

I can't even say anything other than.. I'm sorry. For never being able to put you up first. For never being able to accept whatever you try to tell me. For fighting back so much. For never admitting whenever you got me right, which was all the time. I don't even know why I never yielded to it in the first place. I'm sorry for that, too. But let me tell you one thing. I'm going to find some way to make it right, okay? I'm going to try. I'm going to tell you exactly what I've got to tell you when I can. I just never get the chance. You know what that's like too, don't you? Hrm. And that's my fault. But I swear. I'm going to fix this, because you deserve it. You deserve at least a shred of an explanation, not an excuse.

Fin

For one thing.. I cut you out of my life on purpose. It was because you were becoming too much of a jerk than I could handle at that point in time, and you had way too many problems that you always expected me to fix and never really did anything about yourself. I mean.. I know I was a great best friend. I was always, always there for you, even when I felt I didn't have to be. But did it ever occur to you that sometimes I needed to be the one cheered up? That even I had my weaknesses? That just because I could always make you better didn't mean nothing was wrong in my life? But hey. We bounced back, didn't we? Haha. We're cool now. I think, better than we were before. We're a bit more honest (though how that's possible compared to how honest we were before, kind of escapes me) and our issues are kind of resolved. So maybe you don't belong on this list completely. But I wanted to let you know anyway. :)) [by the way.. I need your help solving a problem of mine. I don't know who else to turn to, literally. I'm locked in]

muffin.

Actually.. I don't think you ever passed through the stage of being my best friend. The only thing you ever were to me was the one person who could cut me down and put me back together with one swift, flawless move. So you really don't deserve to be on this list. But hey, I lost you anyway, right? And yes, it is my loss. Maybe it's yours too, but I'm not so sure about that. All you lost was a girl who was insane and stubborn and screwed up. I lost the guy who was incredible and who was in love with me and who put up with my dysfunctionality for two years. I lost the guy who was trying to make me better, and you lost the girl who only ever made you worse. So I guess it was a good thing, for both of us, in some way. I learned my lesson.. and you get to be happy.

K

I can't believe I lost you, albeit only slightly. I mean, really. We fell out of touch for more than a year. That killed me. I was without one of the few people who let me be crazy and who could cheer me up. Then again, I never wanted to depress you with all my problems. I still miss you, even if we're talking already. Please, please don't fall out of my life again. I can't stand it.