Invisible~

I just wanna show you, she don't even know you,

baby let me love you, let me want you.

You just see right through me,

but if you only knew me,

we could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable,

instead of just invisible.

She can't see the way your eyes,

they light up when you smile.

That used to be the song I'd listen to whenever I thought of.. um. Hahaha. Nevermind.

It was playing on the other comp, so yeah. LSS much?

I really want to be happy right now. But for some reason something's holding me back. ARGH.

I hate having a raincloud over my head. Waha.

I'm listening to Cold As You right now. God, this used to really get the tears flowing. *sigh*

I'm looking for something to hate. Something to be frustrated about. Why can't I find it? Why are my emotions so.. mellow nowadays? They used to be so vivid and loud and harsh and now everything's just so smooth and plain. Something's wrong with me. :/

I hate feeling unsure of myself. I'd rather drown in rage than be in utter confusion.

Thankfully, there's not much to be confused about. Ho hum.

But still. Taylor Swift, oh how you make me regret.

I feel like watching some sappy movie tonight.

RANGO WAS FUCKIN' AWESOME. O_O

I love you, Johnny Depp. Hahaha.

"No man can walk out on his own story." - The spirit of the West.

And Rattlesnake Jake! I loooove Rattlesnake Jake. So... gah. XD AAAAAAAAH GAAAAH WAHAHAHAAAAA. XD Seriously, watch it.

I think daddy wants us to watch that other movie too. Something about the world being destroyed. I have no idea. Also maybe Red Riding Hood, though if it's from the one who did Twilight I'm pretty damn biased. (>_<)

Anyway. That's all I've got. Bye~

Holy WHAT.

Okaaay.

First of all, my new layout's gonna take some getting used to. I mean, whoa. Haha. That's okay. I like the change. Does anybody else hate it, though? o-o

Secondly. I got another Daily Literature Deviation. When I saw that, I was like, whoooaaaaa. Srsly, WHUT. O_O I mean. WHA.

Thank you ever so graciously, though, to my Daisy, and to the amazing literature rock star Neil Gaiman; the two of you were the greatest sources of inspiration for that piece. GAH.

I still can't believe it. 'Cause.. it's just so.. whahahaha.

Anyway. Thank you to all my fans, and --- kidding. Hahaha. Thanks to Daisy, always a source of great encouragement and love, and to Meliza, who's supported my writing ever since it was a pile of bull, and to my watchers on dA and shiz. The amount of support and encouragement I'm getting.. it's something I'm new to. Really.

Thirdly! Because, as is almost always the case with me, this comes in threes.

Actually, there's a lot of stuff on my mind, but anyway, I'll just pile all of it into the third.. thing. Haha.

-- My toes are painted Pearl Red, according to Caronia. Yeah, I sound like an ad. But hey, they're so preeeeetty. XD I love having flashes of girliness. Yes, I did it myself. :>

-- Chocolate Truffle ice cream leaves a yucky powdery aftertaste on my tongue. Seriously, I've always hated it. Urgh. Gross. It dries up my throat, too. T_T Stupid sisters forced me to eat it.

-- I'm getting a haircut tomorrow! And mother wants it uber short, so that means.. at least six inches of my precious black (or used-to-be-black) locks shall be chopped off by Randy. Noooo.

-- Romeo is back. My fucking headache. Leave me alone, darling, I'm trying to begin a good summer here. (>_<)

-- I have zero load. I swear to fuckin' god. I cannot believe this. WAHA. Thus I have resorted to Skype to make sure I keep in contact with the outside world. XD And Twitter, too. Of course.

-- I'm bitchin'. Go screw yourself.

-- House marathon right now. And, once I'm done, Gilmore Girls. I have three huge bags of chips, three 1.5 bottles of Coke, one bottle of Nordic Ice, two bags of chocolates and some brandy. BE JEALOUS, BITCHES.

-- That's about it. I miss Daisy.

):

OH AND. People from Pisay. Stop flippin' reminding me about the damn Coup de Grace. I already know I'm not attending. Don't have to rub it in. -__- Jeez.

And thank you to my dear Tanny-bear for finishing my clearance for me. I love you so much. :D

Can I just please say this once?

I love watching The Notebook because it's such a goddamn sweet movie.

And yet I hate it so much because the things they say bring memories to me, and when it gets to be too much my heart leaks out through my tearducts.

Damnit.

Loneliness knows me by name.

I've been reading Blood and Gold for the past few days. I love Anne Rice; the way she makes the words all flow together is so beautiful. (:

Maybe I'm like Marius, in a sense. Maybe I love too easily, and I make people love me. Maybe it's a terrible sin for me to do this, because in the end I know I'm only going to be lonely again. Maybe the only ones who love me, I push away.

I've done this before, you know.

One person, I never let him know what I felt. I don't even know where he is right now.

Another one, I would have moved the world for, would have destroyed galaxies just to be with, would have gone up against everything I ever knew and cared for, but I let my stupid pride and selfishness get in the way.

A third? I was too scared to ever even think of it, too wary of everything I was capable of.

One more? I never even let myself give a second thought to what would happen next.

*sigh*

Why do I torment myself like this? Why do I hurt other people? Argh. This is so unfair.

--

This was supposed to be a short, chirpy blog entry, but.. I dunno what happened. Maybe the title took hold of me, and.. yeah. (>_<)

Anyway! Because I was being random and crazy today, I made a new Skype. My fourth one yet. O_O

Bitch said what now?

Hrm, so apparently I'm in trouble. Oh well.

I still love you, Lilcah. Haha. Imma be on your side, always. You know that, right? I mean.. a hurricane made us friends. How many other people can say that? We bonded over retarded things and we cried at all the wrong times. Who else could I ever have the "pretty talk" with? Who else have I made so many codenames with? Who else do I cheer up, and cheers me up, by bitchin' on the freaks? I mean, honestly.

Sp is a whore.

M'head is a clone.

B is fine.

E is a retard.

K is getting ehh.

Snape is slightly.. stupid. HAHAHA.

N is a total bitch.

L is a slut, I swear.

S'lace is a two-faced ass.

Weakshit is doin' good.

W'freak is.. I dunno. Does s/he even really matter?

Black White and Red are insignificant.

Ham is a fat-ass freak.

And nobody else even understands that. Except you. And nobody else gets that "crafts-y thing," except us. And nobody else knows exactly how people can bitch and stress can kill, and books can heal and friends can make you the happiest people alive.

Tres marias forever, right? And I don't give a fuck who tries to put you down. I love you to death, you pretty bitch. Haha.

Gravity don't mean too much to me;

I'm who I've got to be.

Is this our destiny?

This world is after me, after you.

Run away, like it was yesterday,

when we could run away;

if we could run away,

run away from here.

I have no idea what the hell that was for. The song was playing, and it seemed to fit. XD

Another thing. We don't do all that sappy shit that "BFF's" do. We're too cool for that. :>

We had like, two-dozen bottles of nail polish, and we wrote all those songs [ahem, Fragile Heart and Left Hanging. I still have 'em, y'know. They still make me.. wah. Hahaha. Thanks for writing them, by the way] and we roomhopped like mad. Remember taking a bath by the water pump? And that time in, I think.. Foundation Day? When we were cuffed, and then we ran, and then we fell. WTF. I told you we shouldn't have run!! Hahaha.

By the way, have you recently seen the place where your eyes bleed and your brain is insulted? You should. It'll cheer you up, when you think you're less than best. I swear to god.

Off-topic. My little brother is sooooo cute. XD

I think that's all? Sorry Lil, I'm too sleepy to keep un-ranting. Haha.

GAH

Why do I always end up doing this to myself. *sigh* I mean, seriously. What the hell.

I'm ... argh. I can't even say anything without being offensive, y'know? I hate having to be so guarded. :/

Anyway.
You know what? Tañah was right, last.. I don't know, Wednesday? She was right, so completely brutally right. Oh wow. Do you have to be so right, Tan? I didn't need to hear that confirmation from you. The way you told me.. wah.

Lil was right, too; that day so long ago. I think somehow she's been right all along. Now if only my pride and my compassion would let mr admit it.

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO DO WITH MY SMILE DAMNIT.
Just because I smile on impulse doesn't mean anything.

Or does it? T_T

Dinner smells good. I'm gonna go drown my sorrow in gluttony.

:D

Aw, hell no.

Don't you fucking dare. I swear to god, don't you even fucking try.

This is not happening to me again. Fuck no. If it goes that way, or anywhere even fucking near that way, I'm just going to throw a fucking fit.

I'm not doing this again. Any shit from you and I'm fucking out, man. ANY AT FUCKING ALL.

Don't even fucking think about it.

Happy Feet

But they're tired, too. Haha.

Okay, so I joined three dances this year. La Cumbia, Todo Chacha and the Disco. Suffice to say that practices got me all spent, and the muscles in my legs want to murder me with pain.

BUT IT WAS SO GODDAMN WORTH IT.

We won in La Cumbia, and in the folk dance (GO WYNKEN AND MIADO WOOHOO) and tied for first in the duet and second in the samba. I think. I don't remember. All I know is, we were the overall runner, up, and we were just so fucking happy.

I love my class so much! You guys rock. :>

[Sad news, though.

Lil apparently got "kicked out" of Neon. WTF man. All she wanted was to make sure you guys won. Jeez. And for that you shun her? Bitches.

Don't worry, Lil. Bery, your pseudo-section is right across the hall. Haha. Besides. The Bery-Lithium Alliance will be there to support you, when your supposed family kicks you out.

We love you, Lilcah. Don't forget that.]

That's about it. I'm so flippin' tired!!

I'm addicted to the way that I feel when I think of you~

I miss Fall Out Boy. (>_<) They were one of my favorite bands, ever. Wah.

Well, my phone can make calls, but it can't send texts. Wtf. I do not know how that even happened. -__- But hey, at least I'm getting damn good internet over here. Hahaha.

I got to talk to my best friend again! Damn, I missed you. D: Sleepover. We must!!

The exams are over, bitches! Bahahahaha. Finally. Now all that's left to do is practice for defense, Soc and culmi. Oh, and finish my Robo scrapbook. XD

That's all for now. Bye~

This is for real.

I've got emotion dripping out my pores

and I thought I would let you know--

Well, it's pretty much been forever since I blogged and just wrote about what happened that day, so that's what I'm gonna do now. X3

Also, this song's the one currently stuck in my head. This is For Real by Motion City Soundtrack. Catchy, plus great lyrics. I love it. :D

(But not more than I love my barbie doll!)

You are the night light,

ripping through my wicked world:

how you make it sparkle and glow,

So I woke up at seven this morning, after having slept for around eleven hours, since eight last night. Wow. And I didn't get to study for the Chem exam, which, oh-so-fortunately for me, was the only exam that day, and the subject I was never any good in, and the one that counted for TWO FLIPPIN' UNITS. So yeah, major cramming ensued. O_O

Before I lose control

There's just one thing you should know--

Anyway. I fell asleep in the middle of the exam, too. :| I cannot even believe myself. How could I even flippin' do that? I had eleven hours of sleep. Plus at least twenty minutes in the cab, and twenty more during the exam. :| Something is wrong with me. Wtf.

This is for real, this time I mean it

I'm coming clean, please don't let go

So after I passed my unfinished paper, I went up to the library with Wynken and worked on my Robo scrapbook. :D She cut the tape, and I.. did everything else. =)))))))

I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it
I'd prefer that you keep it

Hey, it wasn't so bad. She played Sims in the interludes, when she'd finished cutting the tape and I didn't need anymore, and we talked about random stuff. XD And she made me a retarded Sim wtf. O_e Bleh, she made Tan a weirder one. XD

Don't let go

Don't let go

Don't let go

I have a wound on my lip. (>_<) Pain. And I just realized, it's March. I can't wear my purple contacts anymore. ): Wah. Imma go get some more. Once I figure out where the hell to get em. Hahaha.

I had some nightmares, clawing at my skin and bones

I nearly did explode

Well, all I need to do now is to add the pictures, connect the pages and the loops, and make the finishing tweaks. Oh, and the last page, the one with all our names and jobs and pics and stuff. :D My groupmates aren't even participating wtf. TT_TT Guys, just a little help would be appreciated?

You smoked the demons, gave me back my feelings;

now I am good to go

So I walked Wynken to her car and went back to doing the scrapbook on my own, with NOBODY TO CUT THE TAPE FOR ME. Imagine my utter loneliness. O_O

And then wonder of wonders, my parietal lobe arrived! =))) He didn't do anything though, just watched Wild Child on my laptop. Oh well. Good 'nuff! XD

Before, my face hits the floor

There's just one thing you should know

Well, I made my parietal lobe a barbie doll. Which was fun. XD HAHAHA. I LOVE YOU PARIETAL.

This is for real, this time I mean it

I'm coming clean, please don't let go

I walked around the school showing off my new barbie doll. Yay for me! Though I left by four, or a few minutes past. (>_<)

I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it;

I'd prefer that you keep it,

don't let go

Also, I ran out of load. And I've got no more money to buy load with. WTF. I'm broke and load-less. This is not ideal.

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

Plus, some bitch stole my Dewberry. Wtf, that was all I was looking forward to, this afternoon! Now there's nothing to keep my spirits up as I endeavor to study several chapters of mind-blowing proportions of boringness. BECAUSE I HAVE NO LOAD AND NO FOOD. I can't let myself be distracted by other people, and I can't give myself the tiny sinful pleasure of sugar. Oh, what is wrong with me. T_T

For a physical challenge I'm notoriously bold--

intravenous delivery, electrolytes and more;

I'm going on a sound trip, on my own. Because I honestly have nothing better to do. Because my life is sad [pathetic, not lonely] like that. Wow.

Every time it's the same routine:

out with the bad, in with the clean

I wonder how many people I've lost this year. Then again.. it brings to mind how many people I've regained, too. I got back several friends I thought I'd never really have again, and for that I'm eternally grateful. I mean, really.

Before I lose all motor skills

there's one thing you should know

I thought there was no chance of us ever really being good friends ever again, 'cause of.. y'know. And suddenly.. BAM. It's like the huge gap that grew between us closed, just like that. And I was so happy knowing that all it took was laughter and a few well-placed words. The only two things I seem to be any good at. XD

This is for real, this time I mean it;

I'm coming clean, please don't let go

So now I'm slightly optimistic, or at least cheerful. Yay for me! I'm pretty sure it's got something to do with my parietal lobe, and my amazing friends.

Especially Wynken! Thank you, my tape-cutting goddess! Hahahahaha.

I said from the start, that you could take it or leave it

I'd prefer that you keep it

Don't let go

I'm so freaking excited for this summer!!! WOOOH.

First thing's first. I simply MUST have a sleepover with Meliza. >:D<>

And.. I didn't write in the journal at all. I'M SO FUCKING SORRY. TT_TT My life's been too hectic to do so.

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

Right now I've gotta jet. Trying to study for Com Sci, and finish up on my damn scrapbook. Wish me luck. :D

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

Boston--

In the light of the sun, is there anyone?

Oh, it has begun.

Well, hello there.

Today wasn't so great.

Actually, it was pretty effed up.

Oh dear, you look so lost;

eyes are red and tears are shed;

this world you must have crossed, you said --

I think, somewhere along the way..

I forgot how to cry. I really did.

Maybe my tear ducts decided they'd stop

being abused, weeks ago.

That's good to know, I guess.

You don't know me, you don't even care,

you said,

You don't know me, you don't wear my chains.

I wonder.

I've forgotten how to cry, yeah, but..

I've forgotten what it was like to be

relaxed, too.

My mood these days is overpoweringly..

tense.

Essential yet appealed,

carry all your thoughts across an open field.

Well, at least I know that

I haven't stopped being open to people yet.

My heart will forever remain

up my sleeve,

hidden in plain sight.

When flowers gaze at you,

they're not the only ones

who cry when they see you;

you said--

I'm losing people, though.

I've lost.. how many already?

A handful, most likely.

It hurts, too.

You don't know me, you don't even care,

you said,

You don't know me, you don't wear my chains.

What really gets me is that

they were people that

I never really thought I'd lose, y'know?

People I thought would always be there.

She said,

I think I'll go to Boston,

I think I'll start a new life.

I can't believe I've been

wanting to start over since, well, months ago.

I think I'll start it over,

where no one knows my name.

I kind of forgot about that particular want

in the light of the weeks that have attacked me recently.

I'll get out of California,

I'm tired of the weather.

But now it's back.

Maybe I'm just running away, but hey.

What else is left for me, right?

I think I'll get a lover,

and fly him out to Spain.

I just don't want to deal

with all this crap right now, y'know?

Oh, yeah

and I think I'll go to Boston;

I think that I'm just tired.

Maybe I am; I'm tired of

wanting to make sure that

everyone around me is fine;

I'm tired of trying to keep up

with everyone's needs.

I think I need a new town,

to leave this all behind.

I wonder what I'd do, if I were someplace else.

Would I make all the same mistakes again?

Knowing me, most likely.

I think I need a sunrise,

I'm tired of the sunset.

Sunsets are the day's end.

And endings are all I've known this entire

twenty-eleven.

Sad, isn't it?

I suppose I'd like to see a sunrise sometime soon.

I hear it's nice in the summer,

some snow would be nice.

I'd fall for someone that I could never be with;

I'd want someone I'd be too scared to love;

I'd need someone that I could only hurt more.

You don't know me,

you don't even care.

I feel like I'm shutting everyone out.

I can't be doing this again.

I keep bottling everything up, and the implosions

that occur 'cause of that.. argh.

Boston..

where no one knows my name.

Oh, my flipping god.

This is such an angsty.. emo.. depressive entry.

I cannot believe myself.

O_O

I've been degraded into

a worthless piece of sentimental garbage.

Oh, the shame, the utter endless shame.

My profound apologies, dears.

I swear to god, the next entry is going to be a happy one. :D

(PS the song's by Augustana)

You said--

--that you'd remind me.

I was actually.. kind of.. hoping.. that you would, y'know? I really, really was. :/

Then again.. of course it was too much to hope for. *sigh*

It's actually funny, right now. It's cute, too. Haha.

[to the bitch: that's what you get when you piss me off; listen to Beyoncé, motherfucker]

On a happier note.. I did pretty well. Better than I usually do, or would have done if I didn't remember it 'cause of you, albeit indirectly. I actually think.. that that was what made me try. Haha.

Okay, enough of the really vague words aimed at nobody in particular. :P

Curfew has come upon me. Goobai~

Broken

[the song's by Lifehouse. It's amazing]

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight;

maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time.

I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts;

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing;

with a broken heart that's still beating.

In the pain, there is healing;

in your name I find meaning.

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,

I'm barely holdin' on to you.

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head:

I tried my best to be guarded; I'm an open book instead.

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes,

that are looking for a purpose; they're still looking for life.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,

with a broken heart that's still beating.

In the pain (in the pain), is there healing;

in your name (in your name) I find meaning.

So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),

I'm barely holdin' on to you.

I'm hangin' on another day

just to see what you throw my way.

And I'm hanging on to the words you say;

you said that I will be okay.

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone;

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing;

with a broken heart that's still beating.

In the pain(In the pain) there is healing;

in your name I find meaning.

So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),

I'm barely holdin' on to you..

--

You dedicated that song to me once, said it fit me just right, like a sock ['cause back then we thought gloves were old-fashioned and overrated] and now I'm throwing it right back atcha.

I miss you, V. More than you could imagine. I swear. Come baaaaack. Our 'kada fell apart without you. D:

Happy birthday, though, for tomorrow. Sorry, I was too excited. :P Besides. The world is a cold, lonely place without your amazing birthday bashes. Haha. You're turning eighteeeen! You're legal!! O: Waha. Have fun doing all the crap legals do, hon. Sneak us some fun while you're at it, too. Hahaha.

--

Of course I miss Ba as well. Damn, I wish you were here, too. You'd make everything so much better, I swear. It'd be easier. I think. Haha.

--

Okay, I don't want to ruin the good mood of this post, and I don't want to start saying crap, but it really needs to be said, y'know?

Go right a-fucking-head.

I'm not even obliged

to give a flying fuck, you know that?

And I don't mean to wound, but at least

back then I knew exactly where I stood,

exactly what was all messed up and

exactly what had to be done to make it right.

And honestly, I'd rather know that

something was purely my fault

instead of

not knowing anything at all.

Ignorance is bliss, they say, but

I'm fucking used to the pain.

So don't fuck with me, bitch.

I swear, I will make you regret it.

If you want to play it that way,

fine.

You can go die in a hole

for all I care.

I'll even help you dig it.

It's all gone, everything.

And you know what?

It's all your fault.

You know the sad thing? That isn't even about who you'd think it's about.

--

BACK TO V.

Haha.

I'll see you soon, I hope. :D Come back during my sembreak in November, or something? XD

--bye.