Aaaah.

I.. I honestly don't know what to say.

..Okay two insects are mating on my laptop screen right now. Urgh. Moment ruiners, wtf. =)))

It just seems that.. well.. um. Hrm. Hahaha. I'm just kind of happy right now. Just a little bit. Because I'm getting those tiny little signs that maybe, just maybe, things are looking up, things are going my way, finally.

I'm just.. well. Hrm. Hahaha. SO VAGUE OHMYGOSH. Sorry. XD

It's just so fucking amazing to know that.. there are people who will always be there for you. There are people who don't foist sky-high expectations upon you, people you will never disappoint because they love you too much. People you don't have to care about hurting, which in turn makes you make sure you'll never hurt them. People who are just amazing.

I don't know what caused this surge of euphoria. All I know is.. I get to be happy for more than a moment, for once. And I like it. I think I've sort of forgotten, in the chaos of my life, what simple happiness was like.

Actually, I'm just gushing. Really really gushing. MY GOSH. I need to control myself. XD

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird." -Noah Calhoun. <3 The Notebook will forever remain one of the few sappy movies I love. (:

I don't know what else to say. Haha. My days are getting brighter, and my nights aren't so dark. All those nightmares that have literally been haunting my past few weeks.. they're easing away. (: I love this!

We always knew that it'd come to this;

it's times like these I forget what I'll miss.

Matters of heart, are hard to address,

especially when yours is full of emptiness.

And it's quite alright,

and goodbye, for now.

Just look up to the stars

and believe who you are,

'cause it's quite alright.

And so long, goodbye.

It's a terribly sad song.. but it made me feel good. (:

What else... I might be able to write tomorrow. Maybe, just maybe. WOOH. :")

If only you could see her smile.

--

Scratch that. I'm depressed again. XD

All these maybe's are killing me.

My lungs are aching from too much sighing. Srsly.

I'm so.. empty. I don't even know how to feel anymore. It's like there's something missing in my life, the kind of something that you need otherwise everything's pretty much pointless. 'Cause that's exactly how I feel, and how everything else seems to me. Pointless, useless, worthless. And I don't even know why.

Maybe it's just that I've never learned how to deal with this feeling, or lack thereof. Gahfuck. I don't even have the heart to say I hate my situation right now. All I can do is swear and bewail my problems to the world. I'm not suicidal, but I wouldn't mind dying right now. Just so I can prove my theory that of course people would feel bad.. but they'll bounce back. Is it too much to ask for some people not to be able to get over me? Is that too hard? Do you really have to be able to deal with it so neatly, so effortlessly? It's not fair.

Maybe it's my fault. I wouldn't be able to get over it if some people died. I know that for sure. But.. I'm an idiot like that. I've been told it so many times. I don't know why I can't just.. deal with it.

Maybe I'm just stuck in this rut of needing to be good enough, that I've forgotten some people aren't trying to be perfect. Maybe. *sigh*

So this little bullet of hatred and resentment and depression and apathy and hopelessness goes out to my ex. I know of no way to refer to you. Even using your name is awkward. So yeah. B, I guess. You know what that stands for.

You were the one who always made me feel like I had to be considerate and make sure the other person was happy, like if I didn't lie and maneuver myself carefully I'd end up being the one manipulated. You were the one who inadvertently, inevitably made me get used to never saying anything when I got hurt, never being able to confront because I was so scared of a fight, never showing any emotion other than one that was positive. I had to learn that I was flawed, that I needed to always be at my best and make sure you were happy or at least content, and that if you turned to other people it meant I wasn't good enough. It's your fault I can barely talk to a guy without feeling like I'm breaking a rule, your fault I get so riled up and see red when he talks to a girl about anything not school related. It's your fault I feel like a pile of emotional shit every single time I experience anything out of the ordinary. It's your fault my standards of a boyfriend became way too fucking high they don't allow for anything slightly less than superhuman. It's your fault that right now I'm crying so hard I can't breathe because I feel so i n c o m p l e t e .

Damn you.

Everything was beautiful.

Okay, so! Friday. *rubs hands*

Wait! First, the title's backstory. Because unlike the very dashing Flynn Rider, I do backstories. :> So anyway. I was Tumblin' like mad today and I came upon a post. It was a music file, playing the song When She Loved Me from Toy Story 2. And goddamn, it made me cry. (>_<) Uwah.

Well, enough mush! On to business. :D

Fun Day!

Black team was undeniably the best. Even though we didn't win. Not even close. But meh. This is the first and last Fun Day that I actually joined more than one game in. So yes, I love it. :>

Obstacle Course [Ma'am Cerla kept yelling my name and giving me "tips"]

Skin the Snake [We did it well during trial, and during the real thing we tripped into a messy jumble and someone SAT ON MY FACE WHAT THE FUCK]

Sack Race [I have no idea. We didn't even jump in time! Wth wah]

Catch the Tail [Super group hug! Hahaha. I dunno who let go though. O: Damn]

Also, I helped beautify Lois for the Beautifying Petra part. Nail polish and makeup and fake boobs galore! Ooh lala. HAHAHAHA.

It was flippin' hilarious. Gosh.

Anyway. I ended up talking to Lilcah about an issue that was meant to be serious, but knowing the two of us.. we made it hilarious. Don't worry, dude. Why would I ever be mad? :P This really means we're that awesome. Not even something as conspiratorially controversial as this could tear us apart. Fuck yeah!

So. Now for the partyyyy.

It was blacklight, which was amazing, and sadly I wore all white. Which meant I flippin' glooowed. Ahem. Blacklight Angel, but not really. :P The first part was kind of boring. I mean, we just sat down and "watched" the first years get acquainted with the rest of the school. And.. hahaha. I remember. Somebody yelled out something in the middle. Gosh, guys. You really should learn to control yourselves. Oh well.

So I got stuck bonding with puppy while the other batches acquainted. Which wasn't so bad, I mean, c'mon. We bickered and drew on each other and all that jazz. :))

Now comes the dancing! O: Wynken and Kristine pulled me away from him and danced me all over the place to some of the best songs ever. But well. Hrm. I don't know. I was waiting. I was the very persona of anticipation and apprehension that night. Nothing really.. happened though. I don't know at which point I realized I had to give up. Oh well.

Macy paged me to go to him and dance. WHAT THE FUCK MAN. Hahaha. We're such retards. XD Though it was fun bickering.

My maid made me go home too damn early. FUCK. :/

[Ahem. We've got good taste]

--

Saturday.

We went to Starbucks and THEY FINALLY SPELLED MY NAME RIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER!! Ohmygosh. XD

We also colored our Planet book, and taught each other languages, and drank Esprit. Which tastes vaguely like alcohol at first, to the delight of some, and ends up like juice after a while, to their chagrin. :P Sucks for you, hon.

--

Sunday.

We went to Garden Cafe, and we will never ever ever go back. For the same reason we won't go back to Emillion's and Fully Booked. Holy shit. HAHAHAHA.

Bumper! I love Bumper! And the fluffy yellow cushion seats! And reading Cosmo! And the waffles we decimated. XD

--

Monday.

I went to school for the review but apparently there was none. Wtf? So I ended up talking to people and staying at the coop and basically wasting away languidly. X3 Hurray for me.

And now I am typing this, and I am very, very hungry. I do not want to have the flag cem tomorrow. I do not want to be called out for my hair or my nails or my insanity. I do not want to have CAT. I hate this. Fuuuck. Gaah. I don't want any of this. I want my life to be okay.

I want someone to talk to who I don't have to worry about the feelings of. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. I want to be rude and random and careless and free. I don't want to be held back. Everything is always holding me back and I hate it.

Maybe I'm just hormonal or something right now. I don't know. I just really don't like this feeling.

I want to wake up and feel like everything's going to be good that day, not like I have things to do and people to impress and words I can never say. It feels horrible.

Honestly, I love the one who greets me good morning with a smile or a hug or a pet name. Sometimes all three. You make my day, whenever you do that. (:

I don't know what to say anymore. I guess I'll end this blog entry with a lyric from a song.

[Taylor Swift, you write the songs that speak my life. Your lyrics are nearing the league of MCR's already, that's how much they mean to me. Thank you. ]

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how;

I've never heard silence quite this loud.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking.

And I'm dying to know, is it killing you like it's killing me?

Momentary

I guess I was trying to lie to myself. Apparently I'm the only one it doesn't work on.

So to everybody who was suspecting that that would happen... yeah, you were right and I was wrong. It happened.

I just realized. Well, actually, no. I've known for years. I get fevers when I worry. About anything, anything at all. And then the fever dissipates and I break into a cold sweat. My voice gets hoarse, and I get dizzy, and I need to sit down or I'm going to collapse.

And then I'm fine. Because I push the worry to the back of my head and I deal with whatever the hell is threatening me and I go by my impulses.

Logan highly disapproves of this strategy. Hahaha.

There's a butterfly in my apartment, and I want to kill it. I really, really do. Ooh, I'm in one of my morbid moods.

This is way worse than what I felt before. Because back then I never made any promises that I was compelled to keep. Logan's gotten stronger lately, and I don't like it at all.

So many walls up, I can't break through.

I WANT SOMETHING I WOULD WANT. NOT SOMETHING FOISTED ON ME BY THE CRAPPY HAND OF DESTINY. FUCK YOU, DESTINY.

One day I'll get fed up with being this passive, and I'll implode quietly and possibly shoot someone. Yay for me.

I shoulda known.

I really hate how my ex always seems to be right. Even when we both know we're not interacting with each other ever, ever again.. he's still got the upper hand. It's not that he cares less. I'm pretty sure I've picked up the talent of how not to give a crap from him, or at least the last few months of our relationship.

But even when we're over.. the words he told me ring true. Too damn true. What the fuck.

Fine, you were right. I shouldn't have gone mainstream. It made me lose my sense of self completely. Even if it will totally inconvenience me.. I want to destroy my Facebook account now. I mean, honestly. He sent me like, two lines of text? And that wholly negated all the prompts from everyone else, ever, to make one. DAMN YOU.

And that other thing you said. Long, long ago. About what I should have done, what I shouldn't have done, everything. FUCK IT. I think I'm realizing you were right. I was wrong. I'm always wrong, I guess, when it comes to you. I guess it's just a reflex. With you, I'm always screwing up. It came to the point when I got to thinking that we couldn't exist in any other way. You'd be right, and I'd be wrong, and that was the way it was going to stay, forever.

Even now. You were right, I was wrong. I'm learning to admit it, yeah. Years too late, and I'm sorry for that. It's hard to shake the habit of not being corrected.

So I shouldn't have done that. And I'm starting to regret it, honestly. DAMNIT. Why do I never listen to anyone who's right? I drag myself into all the worst situations. But hey, I guess it's experience. Or some shit like that.

At least I'm pretty sure now that nothing lasts. And thank you, very much, for showing me that I will always, always be strong enough to walk away. I'm thinking I might need that sometime.

--

Damn. This got too.. personal.

Then again, this is a blog. So fuck off. Hahaha.

I really don't trust anyone anymore. People are letting their pride and their grudges and their damned emotions get the best of them. I thought that was only me.

But hey, in my defense. I would never, ever, ever, be as shitty as to break confidence just because I got pissed. Honestly.

I don't know what to do with my life. Fuck.

Angels above us

..are making gay babies! =))) At least, according to my amazing best friend. XD

Okay, so I shall start with yesterday.

My dentist changed my wires, I don't know why. I swear to god, I fucking hate her. e_e I mean, c'mon. I can't even eat right anymore. My entire lower jaw is throbbing with the pain. EVEN WHEN I DO NOT CHEW. I'm getting a strange lisp. I already have a strange lisp, though Puppy can't seem to notice it. o-o

Also, I picked up my tita and her family last night. They got there at around 10.. so we had dinner at like, 11:30. I got home after one. e_e

YOU MADE ME SAFFRON. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. URGH.

Kidding. Hahaha. I don't mind.

ZOE WAS SO FUCKING ADORABLE, I SWEAR. She kept asking questions! And even when I was so dead tired I just kept talking to her and answering. I mean, it's been a while since anyone's been that interested in me. Haha. I have needs too! I am only human.

They're used to our climate now, though they've been in Sydney for eight years. They say it's 'cause they just came from Darwin, which has a climate like ours.

Speaking of Darwin. DARWIN DIED. OH NOOOO. D:

Did you guys know he was the Mormon guy in House season 4? XD Except obviously he's buffer here. Hahaha. I love his power. I so fucking love it. ADAPT TO SURVIVE! :>

Okay, so. Gimmick time!!

I had a clothing crisis. I swear to god. I had no idea what to wear. e_e Well, since he was wearing what he wore the morning after Sofitel, I decided to wear what I wore at Sofitel.

... that sounds really wrong. WHAT THE FUCK. Hahaha. For everyone's information, nothing happened. Hahaha.

So, board shorts and a white blouse. And white Sanüks, 'cause my blacks are broken. D: Uwah.

I picked up Kirsten at her place. OHMYGOSH I MISSED YOU BUDDYYYY. LONG TIME NO SEE. >:D< You're so epic. :">

And then we picked up Pandy and Meliza at McDo Katip. We were trying to hide from Pandy, but apparently three short girls crouching over a table and giggling loudly was somehow very suspicious and conspicuous. I wonder why. o-o

So we had a really insane car conversation going to Greenhills, just like last time with Daisy. OOH. Hahaha.

So we went and checked out the movie schedules. And after much, much bickering, we decided on X-Men: First Class. So we bought the tickets!

And after a little more bickering, we decided to eat a CPK. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN FOR THE WIN. XD

After some more bickering [we love bickering, I think you can pretty much tell =))) ] we had a pizza with one half with mushrooms, and another half without mushrooms but with extra cheese. XD Pandy paid for most of it! Hurrah. =)))

Where did we go next? Oh right. We bought cookies. After much, much bickering. =))) One dozen tiny cookie bits, and one dozen cookies. DAMNIT. Meliza finished all the tiny cookie bits. And Pandy left the cookies at the Lazer Tag place! TT_TT But I'm getting ahead of myself. Hrm.

X-Men was amazing. MAGNETO WAS SO FUCKING HOT. RIGHT KIRSTEN? UWAH WE MUST FIND THE ACTOR!

Kirsten was trying to say hi to the people behind her! And the person in front kept putting his popcorn up, what the hell. =)))

MAGNETO TURNING EVIL WAS NOT MY FAULT PANDY. AND NEITHER WAS THE FACT THAT THERE WAS NO SECRET ENDING AFTER THE CREDITS. TT_TT Damn. Noo. Marvel movies, you have failed us! D:

So we went and played Lazer Tag. We got beaten by stupid chinky-eyed people. Fuckers. Campers. YOU FUCKING CHEATERS. e_e

We were so fucking tired after lazer tag. Though I think it is one of the most awesome games in existence. (:

Mom's mad, but meh. I love this day. I love you guys so much.

"When did you start turning into a baby who screams at me whenever she doesn't get what she wants?"

"Right when you stopped giving me what I want!" HAHA I love iCarly. Carly sounds like me. XD