All these maybe's are killing me.

My lungs are aching from too much sighing. Srsly.

I'm so.. empty. I don't even know how to feel anymore. It's like there's something missing in my life, the kind of something that you need otherwise everything's pretty much pointless. 'Cause that's exactly how I feel, and how everything else seems to me. Pointless, useless, worthless. And I don't even know why.

Maybe it's just that I've never learned how to deal with this feeling, or lack thereof. Gahfuck. I don't even have the heart to say I hate my situation right now. All I can do is swear and bewail my problems to the world. I'm not suicidal, but I wouldn't mind dying right now. Just so I can prove my theory that of course people would feel bad.. but they'll bounce back. Is it too much to ask for some people not to be able to get over me? Is that too hard? Do you really have to be able to deal with it so neatly, so effortlessly? It's not fair.

Maybe it's my fault. I wouldn't be able to get over it if some people died. I know that for sure. But.. I'm an idiot like that. I've been told it so many times. I don't know why I can't just.. deal with it.

Maybe I'm just stuck in this rut of needing to be good enough, that I've forgotten some people aren't trying to be perfect. Maybe. *sigh*

So this little bullet of hatred and resentment and depression and apathy and hopelessness goes out to my ex. I know of no way to refer to you. Even using your name is awkward. So yeah. B, I guess. You know what that stands for.

You were the one who always made me feel like I had to be considerate and make sure the other person was happy, like if I didn't lie and maneuver myself carefully I'd end up being the one manipulated. You were the one who inadvertently, inevitably made me get used to never saying anything when I got hurt, never being able to confront because I was so scared of a fight, never showing any emotion other than one that was positive. I had to learn that I was flawed, that I needed to always be at my best and make sure you were happy or at least content, and that if you turned to other people it meant I wasn't good enough. It's your fault I can barely talk to a guy without feeling like I'm breaking a rule, your fault I get so riled up and see red when he talks to a girl about anything not school related. It's your fault I feel like a pile of emotional shit every single time I experience anything out of the ordinary. It's your fault my standards of a boyfriend became way too fucking high they don't allow for anything slightly less than superhuman. It's your fault that right now I'm crying so hard I can't breathe because I feel so i n c o m p l e t e .

Damn you.