In the words of Dylan Thomas..

Do not go gentle into that good night,

old age should burn and rave at close of day;

rage, rage, against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

because their words had forked no lightning they

do not go gentle into that good night.

Those are the first two verses of the wonderful poem. And I've taken the whole thing to heart. Never again will I go gentle, I promise you that.

Hello, December. It's been a while. (:

I can't believe I'm blogging again. I didn't post anything the entire November. I guess I've been busy, and really tired. I hate school! I wish I could just sleep all day and read all night. Yes, in that specific order. I swear to god. I mean, whoaaa.

And in celebration of my epic return to the blogosphere.. I'll reiterate a few choice moments of December, shall I?

Yesterday was.. well.. it wasn't totally crappy, but December's been greeting me ugly the past few years, and the streak hasn't died. It isn't quite a wildfire, more of a sleepy old flame that stays alive because it firmly believes it has the right to.

I don't know why, but something about the start of the very last Brr month leaves a chill in my soul, and takes the tingles from my spine. (Punny, and painful, and.. pah. Haha)

Hrm. I'm just glad I have Brie right now, to fix me up. Oh, and Kingsley! Hahaha. Also, the current project that I shall devote all my spare time to, just because I can. X3 I wonder..

I'm sorry. I can't help it; I've gotta fight back.

Y'know I could let myself be really harsh and cruel right now; I could say things that would wound, just because I can, just because I know how, just because I want to feel that immensely pleasurable thrill that I cannot deny comes from knowing I can hurt. But I won't, because I'm trying to cut out that part of my soul already. It's difficult, yeah, but c'mon, do you really think I give a fuck? Was I ever the type to take the easy way out when it was just so much more fun to let myself get set on fire and sing to the world that it was worth it to go out in flames? Jeez.

My words carried me away, and now there is nothing left, not even ashes. I can't help myself, and I don't think heaven is willing to.

Manila.

Hey look, I'm back. :))

I don't know what to say. I really have to start working on my projects, for one thing. Holy shit. Also. I have big news.

My dad's having this reunion party thing of a LOT of alumni from Pisay. And mommy wants me to put together a portfolio of my pieces to.. well.. show off. I think it's pretty sensible of me to be scared shitless right now. FUCK. e_e

I'm going to have to choose from my old works.. and.. *gasp* make new ones. Holy hell. e_e Oh well. Better start now.

I named my watch Meridian.

This was right after I had eaten lunch one day, and read something that mentioned howCarpe diem and Memento mori were just two sides of the same coin, albeit representingOptimism and Pessimism, respectively. And then I was thinking about that, and I fell asleep, and somehow the words jumbled up in my mind and out popped their spawn: Meridian. Also, because right after I woke up with the word behind my eyes, I remembered some old lecture in elementary about the Prime Meridian.. or have I watched Sorcerer's Apprentice too recently to be rewriting an old memory from scratch. o-o

Damn, I write really long sentences. Oh well. I think I kind of like blogging in TUmblr better than on my blogspot. I must remember to import some of the less-personal blogs over here sometime soon. (>_<)

Carpe diem. Seize the day. This phrase has been used in many a script and turned into a trodden cliche, but it works. You can't always rely on fate; some matters you have to take into your own hands. And this one phrase is the epitome of that. It's the one thing that's probably the overused central point of most, if not all, pep talks. If you want something, go and get it. After all, time's a-wastin'. Which brings me to..

Memento mori. Remember you will die. Not the cheeriest selection of words. I, like many other kids, first encountered this in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. It was the motto of the Austere Academy, if I remember correctly. And though it's kind of a terrible thing to impart on such young minds [students and readers alike] you can't help but admit, it's true.

And maybe 'cause I'm such a fucking cynic, I like it better. You've got to know, that no matter what happens, whether or not you choose to do something about the situations you are in, the world will keep spinning. Life goes on. Nothing will slow down, stop and wait for you to catch up to it. Sadly enough, your days aren't part of a mixed tape that you can rewind, pause, or fast-forward through. You have to live every single moment. So live every single moment, damn it.

Don't waste a single breath doing something that you don't think is [or, eventually, will be] worth it. If you do that, you'll be nothing but a husk woven of resentment and regrets. What will the stories of you be made of, once you're gone? What will you be proud enough to tell your grandkids and you parents and your friends, every day? If it's not worth it, leave it alone. Don't keep hanging on to something that won't see you through, that won't give you contentment and happiness, that won't assure you that you made the right choice.

Will and Lyra encountered the souls of the dead being imprisoned, being tortured by the Harpies. Shadow felt himself naked under the gaze of Mr. Ibis, every single thing about him laid bare. There are things you are ashamed of, things you have forgotten, things you are proud of, things you treasure above any other. These are the things your life is made of. Whatever happened to you, it happened. If it sucked, make it work somehow. If it was great, do something greater. You might think that's mighty idealistic, reminiscent somewhat of the late Steve Jobs' mindset, but hey. Look where he got Apple. When you do something, do it wholeheartedly. This world is too full of half-assed attempts at, well, everything, to have anymore shit that isn't done right. Justify yourself. If you're wrong, well, you'll find out someday. And then go and make it right.

Someone once criticized me for looking at my watch constantly (three guesses who). It's not that I'm impatient for the future to arrive. I mean, if you're into the whole time/space mindfuck, technically, it already has. Maybe I'm just waiting for that assurance, that proof, that time has passed and things have changed and what I've done is done. I admit, I'm not perfect. Sometimes I cling to memories, too. I remember shit I did, shit that happened. I cautiously ponder on shit that could possibly hit the fan. But for all that, I'm still ruminating in the shitpile of the here and now.

Okay fine, enough swearing. Honestly, though. I try to utilize my time wisely. I need it, after all. My parents have got me on a damned schedule and curfew. But that's not the point. The point is, we're all going to die someday. And maybe our bones will crumble and our carcasses will be picked clean by the mercilessly meticulous claws of Time.. but hey. When Mr. Ibis cuts you and guts you and looks you all over, what will he see? When the Harpies want to know every little moment of your life, what will you tell them?

I hope he sees great and beautiful things. I hope you tell them stories spun of you.

Lookit.

The ones who know me well enough will [eventually] guess the password to this one. After all, they're the ones who [probably] deserve to read it. Haha.

Meow.

Holy hell on earth.

It does feel that way. Oh, my fucking god. O_O

Well this week has been.. tumultuous, to say the least. And I can't believe I haven't blogged in weeks! Such a new thing for me.

ANYWAY. Let's start with Saturday, shall we? (:

10.8.11

I woke up feeling hungover, for no reason. I still don't understand why. =)) Damnit. Well, my plan for the day was to type up notes for my exams on Monday [English, mostly. World Lit!] and basically lounge around and be a total couch potato. Strange, while I was typing this I was thinking sack potato. Hrm, I must miss my sister subconsciously. Her Tumblr name is potato sack. XD Speaking of which, I also haven't been on Tumblr in a while either! Anywaaaay. Tañah texted me in the middle of the morning, and, well, she sounded like she needed somebody. It'd been a long, long while since we'd last bonded [man, I seem to have been out of touch with the world lately. Whoa] so I invited her over. We had an awesome, awesome time! Laughing at each other [a lot], talking about people [even more] and making notes for English [that we barely even NEEDED, what the f'ckin' hell], all the while surfing the 'net and eating. All in all, it was a pretty good day. Very productive! And I think she likes my speedy internet. Mhm. Hahaha.

10.9.11

Today.. oh, my god. Oh, today. Whoa, today. Ahh, today. Todaayyyy. <3 Hahaha. Must I? I suppose I must. Haha.

Woke up feeling like today would be a moderately good day. I was anticipating some form of call or text or surprise, since, well, this day had been computed for, months ago. Isn't that right, puppy? Haha. [jeez, it's been forever since I laid down my day in so many words. Oh, I miss this] I had breakfast, texted puppy.. blahblah, conversation, walked around my room and pondered studying. Actually, I think I was also wondering what on earth he'd do.

And then he asked if I was wearing something decent. Well, obviously. Haha. He told me to go downstairs, to the veranda. And bam, there he was. A dozen roses, a set of speakers, and a question. BUT first we kind of laughed and poked fun at each other for being retarded. Oh and have I mentioned, we were being videotaped? e_e How is that for pressure. Hahaha. But anyway. Our song was playing [Stars Are Blind, in case you're wondering. Don't ask why] and he asked me to dance. I asked for ham before I said yes. He glared. XD But he caved, so of course I said yes. And it wasn't a dance so much as swaying and trying to step on each other. Wahaha I love you. Haha. Also! There was chocolate and a Von Dutch tee. Which shows just how well he knows me. Mm. Haha.

And then he told me to get my ass upstairs and get ready for the date. But before that I forced him to eat two whole mangoes, in exchange for half an hour's foot time. [custody of my feet]

DUN DURUNDUN. THE DATE.

I shall speed through this one, because.. well.. it's a blog, yeah, but meh. I get to decide what I do or don't write about. XD

Lunch at Ocean City. And once more I acted mum and de-shelled puppy's crab for him. Oh well. Twas fun. And he got fascinated with de-shelling it for me, too. Hahaha. Finally! M'boy has learned. XD Then SM! We watched Johnny English, which was surprisingly still out. And then we went all around the place, and had an early dinner at KFC. It was typical, yeah, but.. for some reason, and I don't know what came over me, it was magical. (: YES CHEESY BUT IT'S TRUE. Hahaha. And then hoooome.

And finally, finally, finally, it is official. (:

10.10.11.

Today was .. well, you could call it the.. hrm. Aftermath! Haha. I was high the entire f'cking day. I was sooooo happy. Tingly. Fizzy. Awesome. You could ask the people on twitter. I was on Cloud f'cking Nine, man. I swear to god. =)))

10.11.11.

WUH TUESDAY. The day before exams. e_e Horrible, horrible, horrible. Hell week, here we gooo.

10.12.11

Not much better. Wednesday. Sigh. Then again, Calculus was easier than World Lit. Something is going wrong in my world when the subject I'm worst at comes up way speedier than the subject I was born never to study for. I swear to god. O_O

10.13.11

Thursdaaaaaay. Holy motherflip! Chem dun dun dun. Econ, too. ECON WAS HARDER THAN CHEM. HOW IN THE WORLD IS THAT POSSIBLE. HOW IS ECONOMICS SO MUCH HARDER THAN CHEMISTRY I SWEAR. JESUS CHRIST. :|

10.14.11

Friday, Friday. Gonna get down on Friday~

Puppy broke my nail. ): Meanie. AND THEN HE MADE IT WORSE WTF. =))) We're nearing the last day of the exams! Yaaay. Anyway.

I had to lie my way through the early afternoon just to get to stay behind in school. But it was so worth it (:

We went to the coop first and listened to Jack's Mannequin's latest album, People and Things because I am srsly loving it and I wanted my puppy to love it too. Haha. He agreed to keep mum and listen to it, and he did listen for about twelve seconds before promptly plopping his head onto the table and taking a nap. And it was SO F'CKING CUTE. Even though he doesn't believe it. XD And then I kept yelling around that he was cute, and he couldn't shush me. BECAUSE YOU CANNOT CONTAIN THE TRUTH. BAHAHAHAHA.

Well, then we went to the library and finished watching Insidious [which was totally not scary, and which puppy kept calling deciduous] and then we watched... what did we watch again? Oh right! Hancock. Twas a good movie. Though puppy refused to spoil the plot twists for me. e_e I ask you, what kind of attitude is that. Guh.

Oh well. After my laptop started dying we read the newspaper and colored a little bit. Haha. One of the best library excursions, ever. (:

Blehweh.

To borrow a phrase from my puppy. Hahaha.

Holy shit, I feel nauseous all the time, I swear. It doesn't even happen if I eat a lot, or too little. I keep drinking water but my throat is dry as fuck. Wahaha. TT_TT

Anyway. I must remember to request Lolo for some honeycomb and suman from Batangas. Food trip!! Haha.

I did not study for the ACET. Something is incredibly wrong with me. :| What the hell.

I'm pissed off. I don't know why. Maybe it's all this stress? I cannot deal with school right now. Wtf. I just want to sleep half the day away. Maybe more than half.

Also, I cannot access LGW's spinoff CSW. What the fuck. ): I so wanted to play that damn card game, just to see the graphics. Haha. There was that MMORPG thing too.. but I'm not into that. XD Well anyway.

Things are catching me off guard more and more nowadays. Maybe I'm just jumpy?

WELL ANYWAY. Happy birthday to my amazing bee. Hi Tan! You're prob'ly not reading this, but whatever. At least I can say I publicly greeted you, and this is the second best thing to skywriting it. Haha. Join the sixteen-ers! XD

That concludes my mini-rant. Yes, this was a mini-rant. e_e

Every Avenue

Where were you when I needed you most?

Why did you leave me alone?

We gave up before we gave it a chance,

and I don't understand.

[Where Were You]

[Random]

I'm checking out their songs. Awesome band. Man, why am I so late? D:

So we nearly had a f'cking awesome flag retreat today. Except it started to rain. ): Wah. I wanted to get it over with, damnit!! Haha.

I got nothing to say. I'm in pain! Physically and.. not physically. My back aches like hell and erm. Hm. Haha. I'm having to do stuff that I really don't like. I just have no choice.

I'm kind of excited for the Humanities celebration. XD

I don't give pity votes. *

Trying to write like, three damn poems all at once. I hope this works.

I still want you on the bottom of the ocean.

Milo!

Not the stuffed puppy. Nor the Ventimiglia.

(which reminds me.. man, it's been a long time since I've swooned over him. Wow, I'm maturing. Yay me. Haha)

The drink! In powdered form. Which is how I like it best. XD I'm just guzzling it down, since I'm so not in the mood to be productive at all. e_e

Something is terribly wrong with my twhirl. ): This is unfair. Maybe this is my karma for tweeting too much? .. Nah. Haha.

Well anyway. I have no idea what to do with my life. We've stopped with the Iliad [and I've changed my mind, I like Hector better than Achilles now] and my Research is going haywire and I have no more new books to read and GAH.

I want to write a one-hundred entry bucket list, but I haven't the time. I wrote one already, but I lost it. And the entries I remember are ones that I need to have crossed out or taken off completely. Hahaha.

Well. I've got nothing to do. My self-imposed French lessons are going well tho! My strict writing regime, not so. I haven't even replied to all the damn comments in deviantArt. I'm such a bad person. D:

I don't even have time to finish this blog entry. Damn. I really wanted to, well.. wah. Nevermind. Til the next time, then!!

Sept.

It's seven pm. And September the first. Seven, seven.

Sigh.

Dear September, please be good to me. Otherwise I might just rethink naming one of my kids after you. XD

But seriously. GAHFUCK. (>_<)

It's been a while since I've had a proper nap. Methinks I need to learn.. how to be Cheshire once more. Hrm.

Maybe I'll have a good dream this time. Maybe.

Ahh. Flashbacks of Septimus Heap. Haha. Good story! Thank you, Ickall, for lending me your copy. XD

I still haven't told mum that I need to give the payment for the plane trip to Cebu. I wanted to take the boat, damnit. ): Oh well.

YUCK Love Story is playing on the radio. Well, it's good to know I still hate love songs. Haha.

I cannot write. I'm losing my touch. FUCK THIS SHIT. Goodnight. -_-

Behemoth!!

I think I can pretty much say that the entire month of August has been, well, a behemoth. Haha. Production after production, plus requirements, exams, tests, essays, holy shit the life of a scholar is totally not to be envied. (>_>)

I'm going to count them off, one by one, just to feel like I've accomplished something! Hurray for me. Haha.

First off: Tuwaang!

Of course, since it was a play done in Tagalog I did not have a speaking part. Haha. I didn't even have an acting part! No facial expressions or lengthy lines for me. We left all that to Apoyon and Roy. And hey, they did a really, REALLY good job of it. Ahem, 130 percent. Hahaha. I helped a lot with the props though. Man, did we use a lot of gold stuff.

Exams!

I don't know why I'm mentioning these, but hey. They were a huge amount of stress-inducing whatevers that I really could've done without. It was pure hell, man. Especially the book of Job. e_e Also, Physics. Also, Chem. Also, Bio. BUT HEY MATH WAS SO NOT HARD. WAHOO. For once, math looked kindly upon me. X3

Parade of the Gods.

And yes, we plagiarized Hunger Games for our posters. But oh c'mon. Nobody else had that idea. Or if they did.. we beat 'em to it. Haha. Besides. We were up first. Stress, man. We had to think quickly and go with whatever we could.

Are you, are you,

coming to see

an Anthropomorphic Affair

on August fifteen?

Crazy are the gods,

no crazier would they be

if they invited us to party

from 2:10 to 3.

[THE GODS HAVE RESCHEDULED]

Anyway. The whole thing was a success, if I do say so myself. I started off the party with a bang. Haha. And most of my classmates had wonderful speeches! You know, I think writing your own script has a part in how well you pull it off. It's not that the script editors weren't good; I concede that we did a good job with nip/tuck-ing the scripts. It's just that when you're the one who writes your own script.. you feel it more. You know how you want to say it. The words are your own, so you give more of yourself into the performance. It really, and I mean really, makes a difference. C'mon. Wynken (Aphrodite) wrote her own speech. And we all know how.. ahem, captivating she was. Roy (Ares) wrote his, too. And so did Paul (Apollo). And Kristine (Artemis)! And.. well.. I'm not going to name names [anymore] but from everything I just said I think you know the flipside. And no, not us.

Bio. project!

This wasn't too bad. I made Edward Cullen's chromosome! :> Hahaha. It was the tallest and most glittery of them all. OHMYGOSH IT'S TRUE. =))) Submetacentric! Mhmm. Though it took a while for all of us to make it, and we even let ourselves become absent in the flag cem. So they made us hold one of our own, and just yesterday we got called into the DO's office where ma'am told us to never, ever do it again. e_e Oh well.

Essays!

- Boy and Girl week blahblah

I wrote ten pages of crap. Yes, ten pages of crap. Because I did not want to write what I absolutely KNEW would be accepted. I mean, let's face it. Seven years in Miriam has taught me exactly what adults want to hear when they ask you to write essays. I'm actually confident enough to say that if I'd written the way I knew they wanted me to have written, I'd have gotten in, no doubts. Yes, I am THAT confident. It's really easy, too. But I did not want to lie to myself. I did not want to tarnish my writer's soul with the disgusting taint of writing to impress. I've had to do that just to survive in MC, and now that I'm free not to, I most certainly will not. And so I wrote ten pages of pure, utter drivel, knowing that I would never get in but at least I wasn't lying to myself. And I was right! I didn't get in. HURRAY. Haha. I only used that essay thing as an excuse to stay til Saturday anyway. :P And yes, honey, you know why. Hahaha.

- PotG blahblah

This wasn't major, but I wanted something to write about. Haha. We had to write down our rxn blahblahblah. I was... slightly honest. I was actually on a roll! Cynic, angry, parinig me was coming back out. BUT I HAD NO TIME TO FINISH. So I ended the way MC has trained me to end ALL my rxn essays: With a moral lesson. Come to think of it.. Pisay is no different. Very few schools are actually any different. THEY ALL WANT US TO HAVE A FUCKING LESSON AT THE END OF THE FUCKING DAY. THEY CAN'T ACCEPT THAT SOMETIMES YOU DON'T NEED TO LEARNS FUCKING LESSON THAT DAY. MAYBE THERE AREN'T ENOUGH LESSONS TO BE FUCKING LEARNED GODDAMNIT. Well anyway. Yes, this is slightly hypocritical. But the moral lesson was in keeping with the rest of the essay, and it was very acerbic and parinig.

Shit, I still remember some of my first sentences..

I will not litter this essay with overly mushy, sentimental memories and moments I had with my classmates, nor will I stain it with synonyms that even the most pretentious thesauruses deny having. I find that a complete waste of my readers' time, and mine.

I love my bitchy self. Haha.

Titibok-tibok!

I wasn't there on Thursday, but they didn't need me anyway. I had no speaking part, plus I'd had enough of making props and attending EVERY SINGLE meeting. Three years we've been doing this, people, and still we haven't improved. Even my maid's pissed. They say we start at seven, people get there around eleven. Sometimes they go in the damn afternoon. Sometimes they don't even go. :/ So yeah. I kind of didn't give a fuck. I mean, seriously. I always, always get there before most people even wake up. Fuck you, man. If you won't do it, why should I? Wonderful student mentality, right?

ANYWAY. The play was, in my classmates' words, great success! Haha. It was purely for the lulz. And everybody loved it! Yay. Haha.

I think that's all I have to say about school. Now, for the better part of my blog entry: BEHEMOTH.

For those of you who don't already know: I've recently acquired to sequels to two awesome, awesome books. And yes, the sequels are every bit deserving of their titles.

There's Throne of Fire, which is a Rick Riordan book, so basically.. 'nuff said. =)))

And then there's Behemoth. Aah, Behemoth. You are lovely. GAH. I've read it thrice. This is my fourth time re-reading it. And it still has not gotten old. I MEAN WHOA. It's steampunk! It's fucking steampunk! Waaah. Haha.

It picked up where Leviathan left off, with Alek and his men in the care of the British airship and headed towards the Ottoman Empire on a diplomatic mission. Or maybe I'm going too fast?

Leviathan kicks off with a murder. Two, to be exact. Archduke Franz-Ferdinand and his wife, Sophie. Yup, it starts World War One. Of course, their only son Alek doesn't know that yet. His men steal him away to one of their erm.. I forgot what you call it.. basta.. it's not a zeppelin. But it's a runner. It moves, and it can fight.

DAMNIT STILL MOVING TOO FAST. =))) GAH. Okay.

The world is divided into two kinds. Clanker and Darwinist. Clankers use machinery. Lots of it. They're all about cogs and gears, metal and oil. Mekanzimat, in other words. Darwinists, on the other hand, well.. you can pretty much tell, from the name. They dabble with the "threads of life" and weave together new creations. So in a war, Clankers would fight with tanks and guns (keep in mind, these are SUPER awesome) and Darwinists would use animals that had mutations to fight and be used as weapons. Both sides have their own slightly-twisted sense of logic, and that's what makes Deryn and Alek [ Darwinist and Clanker, respectively ] and their faithful bickering so endearing. (:

Okay back to the story! Deryn is a girl pretending to be a boy [Dylan] to join the Air Force because she feels at home in the air and she wants to honor her father's memory. Which is so completely awwww.. though she's a tad too headstrong and smart-alecky for me. I don't like girl characters like that. Too Sue. You know what I mean. I like Alek better. He's kind of oblivious, but he means well. It's so adorable. Reminds me of someone. Haha. He's just trying to do the right thing and fulfill his duty [the Pope signed a letter saying he could inherit the throne of Austria-Hungary even if his mother was a commoner and Franz-..Josef(?) hates him a lot] and he makes mistakes like the next prince. He's real. Not Stu. Waah. Haha.

BEHEMOTH NOW. Because that up there was Leviathan.

Oh wait no, that was just the background. -_- Damn. Anyway! Alek runs to the Alps with his men including Count Volger, who is now basically his guardian. Leviathan crashes in the Alps after an attack by German zeppelins, who are looking for Alek so they can kill him 'cause they don't want his existence to complicate who gets the Austria-Hungary throne next. And um. Alek gets stranded in the snow trying to find out what a huge British airship is doing in Switzerland, which is a neutral country. Deryn rescues him, and then when Volger comes for him Deryn holds a knife to Alek's neck to gain safety. Blahblah, politics, blahblah. The german zepp's are really dangerous, apparently, so Alek gives the Leviathan their supplies, and also Clanker engines because otherwise it won't be able to leave. In exchange, the Leviathan crew must take them in, and keep them safe from the Germans. That's basically it.

The entire airship's headed for the Ottoman Empire, because Britain made the sultan a warship.. but Churchill thought his country needed it more than the Turks did 'cause Constantinople is also a neutral country. But the Turks didn't like this.. so people are scared that they'll go to the Clanker side, because most of their country is mekanzimat already. O:

ON TO BEHEMOTH. They land in the Empire and Alek wants to escape because Austria-Hungary has officially declared war with Britain. So they'll be prisoners of war if they stay on the ship. AGH TOO MUCH POLITICS I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

Okay you know what I give up. The entire series is awesome okay? Goliath's coming out in September AND I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED HOLY SHIT!! Just read it. It's an Alternate History, and it's futuristic. I mean, c'mon. Steampunk and genetic hybrids?! What else could you want? Gosh. I love this series. ANYWAY. I'm so tired right now. Plus I'm leaving for la aeropuerto soon, so yeah.

GAAAH I'm so spent. Wahuhuhu. *rolls on the floor exhaustedly* I shall read Leviathan.. AND THEN BEHEMOTH AGAIN TROLOLOL.

Potassium, damnit.

Okay. So I ate mint chocolate ice cream for dessert after a medium-sized breakfast, with gummi bears and marshmallows. That should've been enough to make me ecstatic, but all I kept thinking was GAHFUCK MY EYES HURT SO MUCH. (>_>) I even stuck the back of the spoon on my eyelids to try and numb them. Nothing flippin' happened. I keep rubbing them, too. Waha. Okay, I am officially terrible.

I'M SO FUCKING SLEEPY. :| Goddamnit. But anyway. I'm not dwelling on the fact that I had maybe two and a half hours of sleep, maybe 'cause I like deviating from the usual and staying up late makes me feel soo.. bad. Hahaha. Anyway. My eyes hurt, really. I'm not used to this, obviously. Wtf. Haha.

Hey, at least I finished my Chem homework. WITHIN HALF AN HOUR. INCLUDING GOOGLING THE FLIPPIN' ANSWERS. SUCK ON THAT BITCHES. =))) Also, I managed the miracle of making a decent writeup while.. um.. while.. haha. NEVERMIND. I do not want to remember. Tis too .. GAHAHAHA. =)))

So anyway this morning wasn't pure shit. Ohmygosh it was a miracle!! Haha.

I was the last to wake up obviously, since I was the last to sleep. But meh, first to get dressed. And the BEST DRESSED. BLEH. Hahaha. Yes, I think you can tell that I'm nutty because for no other reason would I say that. =))) I put on a skirt, can you believe it. O_O Because I am strange, I will.. ah whatever. I will not say. Haha.

I got cheered up marginally by telling my sister's friends about Bloody Mary and Scheißle. WHICH ARE FLIPPING AWESOME SONGS XD Kudos to Photon for using Gaga.

Yeah you can tell I'm pretty fucked up by now can't you. =))))

My legs still hurt, from the squats on Friday and playing TWO STRAIGHT ROUNDS of Lazer Tag yesterday with NONSTOP RUNNING. O_O And the little girls camped everywhere and the little boys ran around and wouldn't shut up. Yeah. Haha. It's okay! Had fun. Even during the CAT, surprisingly. XD

We had a game, we told jokes, we were made to do sexy pumpings. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm sorry Nessie, but I don't think I'll be complaining too much next time.

Speaking of which I don't necessarily think I'm going to be in Iloilo next weekend. My parents are still looking for excuses for me to be absent on Friday and not go to Soc. on Saturday. (>_<) Goddamn.

We're all mad here, baby. ;)

I liiiike. Ohmygod, I liiiiiiiiiiiike. Hahahaha. Ich schliecen austa be clair, es kumpent madre monstere.. I could quote Gaga all day, but I won't.

I think I realized something.

Maybe all I needed was some way of letting all the stress out. I didn't need the problems to be fixed; I needed someone to let me admit that maybe they couldn't be fixed at all, at least not now. Maybe not ever. But I needed the help to figure out that maybe it's okay for everything not to be fixed. I just needed opinions.

Ahh. I remember so many opinions on so many things.

I love having lengthy debates and making horrid excuses. It's just fun. GAH.

I haven't written anything in a while. I'm a hopeless wreck. Oh well. I think I better go do my homework now.

AND I CANNOT FIND MY PHONE WAHAHA.

Done!!

Hey look, my 151th entry. Huzzah for mee.

Parade of the Gods was totally not bad. Some people really made awesome speeches, I swear to god. Ahem, gods. Hahaha. Wynken, as Aphrodite. Ohmygod. Passionate.. art. :> Hahahahahaha. Shiiit. Also, Hera, Gaea, Hades, Ares, Apollo, Thanatos.. gee. Twas awesome. Basically everybody did an excellent job! I really hope we get a repeat grading of Fil. C'mon, we deserved it. XD

I will not rest too long on my own part. Suffice it to say that I started the show with a .. bang. :D

I'll be there when you're insecure, let you know that you're always lovely.

OKAY I love the radio right now. It's so.. ah. Also, I really cannot get Smooth Criminal or Misery out of my head. (>_<) Once I stop thinking of one, I start with the other. Damn.

I've got nothing else to say, I think. I'm going to keep reading Agatha Christie's books. Yay for me.

Pass-agg.

See, now if only I'd known about this condition of mine before, I might have taken steps to prevent using that particular tendency to react to most situations I was presented with. Or not. I mean, I am pass-agg. GODDAMN. :/

That is just so unfair; I mean, it's not like I asked to avoid confrontation. :/ And yes, it is obvious, so glaringly obvious right now, that I am. It's like, staring me in the face. Daring me to contradict it. Fuuuck, man. :/ This is so wrong.

I wish I weren't. I wish I were brave enough to say what I felt and do what I wanted. I wish I could go back to that point in time where I was fearless. But doing that means throwing myself into a conflagration I'd rather not risk, even though it hurts more to slowly burn from the inside. WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS TO MYSELF. :/

I want to say such a lot, but I can't. Damnit. God-fucking-damnit. Yeah, I still and will always say that phrase. It's a parasite that's latched on. I can't seem to let go. And yes, I will always and forever swear a lot, because it's who I am and I will never ever change that part of me. I'm never going to let it go. Duh. Ohsnapmotherfuck. I think I have to go.

Ah, don't worry about it. If you ever piss me off in any way.. you can be sure I will deny it wholeheartedly and make sure you never have cause to suspect I'm mad. Because I'm like that. Because I make sure people don't freak out and realize that they disappointed me. Because I don't want them to apologize. Because once you make me angry, I will never want to forgive you, and I usually don't.

But hey. Nobody ever thinks I know anything; I'll always seem too distracted, too far away from the gritty reality. Fuck that shit, man. I will always know more than I let on. Meh.

[posted much too late. and hey! 150th entry, if i'm not mistaken. yay for me, huh]

[gosh, why do I sound so angry. I'm not angry anymore.]

Flippin' 'eck.

Okay, the weirdest thing ever happened today, like you would NOT believe. Holy shit. e_e What the hell. I swear, even Wynken's freaked out. Wtf.

Anyway.

He got me McDo this morning, 'cause yesterday I didn't get to eat at all. Hurrah, thank youuu. XD Oh and I made it through like.. five exams already. PLUS UPCAT. AND I finished my ACET Essay. Aw yeah. =))))

I'm reading the SONA right now and.. wondering what the hell I'm supposed to write about it. I swear to god. I do not see the point. e_e

Anyway.

SOMETHING HAPPENED TO MY PRETTY CIRCLES. THEY ARE GONE. MOTHERFLIP. I don't know where they weeent. ): WAHAHA. Bring back my pretty circles. OTL

Okay there are creepy sex sounds coming from my neighbor's radio. This is really awkward. I want to tell them to shut the hell up.. except I tend to blast MCR out loud when I'm mad, and I'm mad a lot nowadays, so if they can put up with that then I guess.. actually, no. Yuck. I WANT IT TO END THIS IS SO GROSS.

URGH.

Okay, physics and bio tomorrow. I really really hope I can study enough. Here's to cramming.

Gouda luck!!

Okay well. I am torn, right now.
Half of me is nervous as fuck, about the UPCAT. THIS IS LIFE-DECIDING, ZOMG. O_O I MEAN IT. Life is not an option after failing this exam. Holy shit!
And the other half is.. well.. the other half wants more spaghetti and is kind of needing a nap. :| THIS IS NOT RIGHT. WHY IS HALF OF ME LAX.

Okay. I think it's Artemis, telling me I need to studystudystudycramcramcram because if not it's going to go to hell and I might just kill myself.

And it's Logan, telling me to chill, that cramming won't work, that nothing will work, and besides I can totally handle anything the UPCAT can dish out.

GODFUCKINGDAMNIT. OTL CONFUSION.

-

Also, puppy lost his shades case. (>_>) Daaamn. Thank you so much, Irish, for helping look for them. XD Even though I had to call you to get your attention. Haha.

-

I have been such a flirt with Twitter clients lately. I don't even know why. It's just that the last couple of days, I've been downloading em like mad. O_O

TweetDeck. Trillian. Silverbird. twhirl. DestroyTwitter. Seesmic.
Srsly. o-o

And they're so fun to use. I think I might even set up a schedule for them.. once I find a seventh. XD Erm. Or maybe I'll just switch whenever I feel like it. Yeah, that sounds about right. =))))

-

I read this quote from a Bartimaeus book once.

"Gods and nations, what are they but words?"

I like it, a lot. And not just 'cause it's so eloquently pithy. Because it's real.
Man made God in his image. Maybe that's why we who were raised in an environment with one omnipotent, omniscient, omniblahblahwhateverasdfgeweginiobgoi2 deity are so fascinated by the Greek gods. Because they have flaws that are acknowledged, even emphasized.
Ancient Greeks themselves would tell the tales, resting a while on the characteristics of their gods. Zeus was infamously unfaithful, Hera was a possessive nag, Hades always emoted about being left out.. etc. Dogmatic Christians would never stand for God being put down, in any way. That's what I dislike about them.

Basically all of religion is just sort of a displacement. You make people see your god the way you want them to see you. In a sense. Maybe that's why Christians are so self-righteous. They can't stand being told they're wrong. They can't stand for god to be wrong, either. Oh, whoops. God pala. Sry. Haha.

Can you sense my sarcasm? e_e

But I'm falling out of the context.
Those words were spoke by a djinn to a girl. The djinn was not Bartimaeus, though he shares the same beliefs. I mean, when you live forever, you attain a sort of perspective, I guess. What use is it to fight for your [master's] king/god/country if you know in a few hundred years it'll be obsolete? Anyway.
The girl is a hereditary guard.. meaning her mother was a guard of the queen, her grandmother before that.. etc. and her queen basically sent her on a mission that meant suicide 'cause it was SO FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. If she didn't have a djinn like Bartimaeus, in any case. I mean, c'mon. IT'S BARTIMAEUS. =))) Anyway.
She's willing to die for her queen. And the djinn both disapprove of this. I agree with them. Those are concepts invented by power-hungry people who want mindless fanatics willing to die for an empty cause.

Gosh, I'm getting flashbacks of Fullmetal Alchemist. What was that priest's name? The one with the ring. I forgot. Basta. That's what leaders who want you to die for them are like. That's what people who want you dogmatic enough to follow them to the ends of the earth, are like. I swear.

Plus, watch FMA. It's a f'cking awesome show. And read ze manga!! XD

Maybe I'm just bitter about CAT. Because I ate an enormous lunch a while ago and THERE WAS NO CAT. :| GODDAMN. I went around feeling so full for the rest of the damn day. Fuuuck. Eating is not something I do naturally, or willingly. AND CHEL CHEL DID NOT TELL MEEE. ):

Anyway. I think that's all. XD

Wow, this rant was so relaxing. Logan has been appeased! Artemis next. :D Studying later, and reading books in between. Walter Moers!!

UPCAT. Come at me, bro.

Senseless fangirl-ing.

Okay, first of all, I love my puppy and he is SO FUCKING AWESOME WOOOOH. XD I mean.. I knew that already.. but it's nice to be proven right, isn't it? <3 I love you, honey. Haha.

Just as expected, IV-Tau exceeded the boundaries of awesome. 130% fuck yeah. X3 Just like Graav. And remember. We love ya like a love song. :>

Okay so anyway. This week! I'm so stressed about the UPCAT. I really hope I pass. I swear to god, I think I might just kill myself if I don't. Holy fucking shit. O_O

I'm going to review like hell on Friday night. And maybe Thursday too. And now that the Fil preps are done, we shall be moving on to English. ZOMG we'll be on August 15. O_O That means .. we have less than two weeks. D: Nooo. Oh well. We can do this, Grav! :D

That's all I've got to say. So damn tired. Wah.

Also.. the Karaoke thingy of our section was epic a while ago. Singing along is awesome!! :D

[must remember to write ickall a write-up for the yearbook later.. =))) ]

Broke.

I really am broke. My money's all gone. Damnit. =))

It's okay. I haz a huge bar of Choco Mucho! Yay me. XD

Hrm. Well, during CAT today I kind of.. well, I didn't faint, thank god. But I did get dizzy. Srsly. And I had to sit down for a while. I didn't even make it to the quiz or the flag retreat. Noooo I am weak. ): Wahaha. Lois even had to give me a direct order to eat lunch every time there was a CAT. Damnit. And aside from that.. really.. I have to go eat. I have to be.. ugh.. healthy.

Oh well. I understood the capacitors thaaang in Physics. Haha. I'm so proud of myself! XD Plus our demo in Phys4 was good. So hurrah.

I don't know whether or not there's a rev t'morrow at school. WTF man. O_O SOMEONE HEEEELP WAHAHAHA.

I have one more poem to go before I hit 200.. ickall, pray. =))))

This title was supposed to be better.

But I cannot think of a better one. ):

Also, I'd planned a really good blog entry.. but.. I can't remember. GODDAMN. =)))) This is so horribly unfair.

Anyway. I am back in Manila. Until tomorrow, at least. Picking up the Mindstorms kit, plus my ACET forms, plus slippers, cookies, Von Dutch clothes, and an extra something that will make someone go O_O

Haha. OKAY.

This shall be a character-appreciation blog! (:

Narcissa Malfoy.

She married the wrong sort of man, but I don't think you can deny that her love for her boy is so amazing. The first thing she asked Harry was where he was, if he was alive. She risked her life for that. If she'd been found out, well. We all know Voldy. I mean, really. That was her first priority. She went up against Bellatrix, just to make sure he was alright. She made Snape take the Unbreakable Vow, so Draco wouldn't come to harm. And I give a round of applause to the directors and screenwriters, who pulled off the Malfoy family's walkout so flawlessly. It was so beautiful. Not caring that a war was going to be waged behind her, she just took her son's hand and never looked back. I just think people should recognize her more. I love how she loves him.

Draco Malfoy.

Well, he's got his fangirls, but how many people only began appreciating him from the fifth book onwards? And yes, Tumblr posts say most of what I want to, but hey. Requotes! Haha. Draco really was the first person to try and make friends with Harry. And he didn't even know it was Potter. He was being genuinely nice. And when he offered Harry his hand, he was just looking out for a fellow kid. I honestly think if Harry had let himself be put in Slytherin, they'd have been good friends, at least. Draco was a boy who made all the wrong choices, to put it in someone's very eloquent words. He fell under the curse of Slytherin house, mainly that they were detested for being thought to being detesting. Honestly. If you put someone in a bad light and hate them completely and let their horrible reputation precede them, well of course they'd have no choice but to end up the way you see them. Sort of like the self-fulfilling prophecy. Someone tells you you'll go to the park today.. and you go to the park thinking that, well, it was bound to happen anyway. Idiot.

Severus Snape.

Honestly, if he didn't look the way he did, I would love him to bits. By the way, has anyone noticed that the kid Snape from 7.2 looks kind of like Gerard Way? O_O I swear to god. =))))

Anyway. Well. This is unrequited love from the very beginning. It must have been hell to see Harry every day, seeing James in that disrespectful, defiant face, but Lily in those brave eyes. I guess he didn't know how to feel about Harry, since he was James' son.. but also Lily. How painful must it have been, to have the one person you love die for the son of someone you hated so dearly. That scene where he was holding her, I cried. Both times. AAGH. He really was the bravest man Harry ever knew. Not just for facing death fearlessly, with his one concern to keep Lily's son safe, but for putting up with all sorts of hell just for that love. Because he loved her that much. He's .. unconditional, unrequited love. He must have been so difficult to want him, but he.. agh. I'm getting all senti. OTL I can't go on. I just can't. Every time I try to say something I tear up. This is just so painful. Nevermind.

--

I have the Mindstorms kit in my hands. How bitterly ironic that I paid for more than half, and I'll never get to use it. Urgh. D:

--

I'm going to re-read Good Omens now. I don't have anything left to say. I give up. This was supposed to be an epically long blog entry, but.. well.

--

I saw something a while ago. I didn't like what I saw, much. Bothersome~

--

We're going swimming later. :D

Ahurr.

Okay I'm typing this out using Opera 'cause I've sort of given up on Google Chrome lately. Waahaha. Oh well. 

Anyway. I don't know what to say. I've forgotten what I typed out before [this is the third time I've tried to upload this post] and I'm too lazy to remember, so I'll just swear. AGH FUCK. TT_TT

I'm going back to Manila on July 22nd. OHMYGOSH MOM AND DAD HAPPY 17TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!! For sixteen and a half of those years I have made your lives insane. Aaah. XD

My grades are climbing. And I am so fucking proud of myself. Haha. Hey, it's not that easy. I'm just.. aah. This is a good thing! Study study study. XD

I'm being more guarded with my words and my actions now, though. I've learned that there are repercussions for what I do, and I don't like dealing with those repercussions. Thus, no doing. Haha.

I shall have my hair dyed black when I go home to Manila. I'll need it to pull off Eris. Plus a trim on my bangs, I think. XD GAH I need a pretty black dress! And theme music, and I need to write my script. UWAH.

I'm trying to return to deviantArt, but.. it's too much trouble. T_T

OHMYGOD MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO HOLY SHIT OHMYGOD I AM FUCKING SWOONING. O________O

I swear. This is like one of the sweetest songs in the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. AAAAH. 

Whoever marries my daughter will have to sing this song to me and her dad first. :P Whoever marries me.. well. Hahaha. I don't know about that. But I'm fucking sure, THIS SONG IS SOOOOOO. AAAAH. XD *swoon*

I'm gonna marry your princess, and make her my queen. :")

Okay, total insanity. Haha. I'm alright now. XD

Oh, and before I forget... congrats, Lil. :P You deserve it. And no.. you know what I'm.. not. Hahaha. Good on ya, mate! XD

The kind of flawless I wish I could be. Taylor Swift, stop taking over my life. O_O Whaaa.

I think that's about it. Good bye~

Ahurr.

I'm typing from Opera, ZOMG. Hahaha. I decided to quit Google Chrome, for now at least. Yay me! XD

I'm trying to be really.. guarded right now. I don't know why. I guess I've noticed that my actions have repercussions, and I don't like dealing with the repercussions, thus.. no actions.

On the upside. Guess who's getting good grades now!! Awoo. Hahaha. So awesome. I feel so cool. And Physics is being good to me. 3 AND 4. Huzzah. I must studyyyyy. :>

I'd like to say one thing: Congrats, Lil. :"> Haha. Good on ya, mate. 

Anyway! I'll be going back to Manila on the 22nd. OHMYGOSH MOMMY AND DADDY HAPPY SEVENTEENTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. <3 For sixteen of those years I have made your lives totally insane. I love you two!!

I'm getting my hair dyed black again. I need to pull off Eris, plus sir Ed keeps telling me that my hair color ain't accepted. Psh. I'll always find a way around the rules. :P

Smart is being a douche. What the fuck. O_O

I'm trying to return to deviantArt, but it's so damn difficult. URGH. o-o

Oh well. I think that's all. Goodbye.

Weekend!!

Over the rainbow and into the sky,

where all the love songs are written

and dreams never die.

How amazing are you, that a random conversation between us would actually make me write a couplet. Aaaagh. Hahaha.

By the way, I wrote you a much, much longer poem. XD

--

Anyway! This weekend was FUN FUN FUN FUN. Hahahahaha.

My parents came over. And OHMYGOSH THE PARENT DATE HOLY CRAP.

There was an insane conversation between me and my parents about some food. And they made fun of me the entire night. Daisy and tita were so cool. So epically cool. Meeting your future in-laws isn't as bad as everybody says it is! Now only his dad to go. Whew. I really, really hope I survive that one. O_O

I'm a liar, nonetheless

And when you do your very worst,

oh, it feels the best. <3

So addicted to The Poison by All American Rejects. I dunno. It sounds... hnnng. WAAH. Hahaha.

--

I don't know what to say in this blog. I want to write a lot, but.. nothing's coming to mind. Hrm.

--

I'm not the type to run after people. I'm not the type to apologize. I'm not the type to acknowledge the fact that there's any problem at all. So obviously, when bad things happen, you can't really count on me to make things right. I'm sorry, it's just like that.

Maybe it's just force of habit. I've had to let go of so much, by now it's all I know how to do. So too bad for you if you decide to drop out of my life. You're not gonna have an easy time getting back in.

Or maybe.. maybe I'm just scared. Of the consequences. There is so much trouble, all the time. I can never seem to get a moment's peace. I never get things quite right. Whenever I make a choice, things pop up that convince me I screwed up, again. Agh. Why am I so depressive.

--

I followed new blogs on Tumblr a while ago. So awesome!! Haha. I still stand by my decision for the casting of the Hunger Games. Pada FTW.

--

ARNHAYD Y U LEAVE US. ): I WILL MISS YOU FOREVER. OHMYGOSH. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. UWAH.

--

I have a weakness for pretty shoes. Ohmygod. And I'm really critical of shoes, too. I mean srsly.

--

I wanted to hold you,

I wanted to make your everything alright.

--

I can't stand sad people. Sorry, I just hate it. So much. I don't like seeing people upset for any reason. It makes me want to punch them. Especially if they take it out on me, or they make it obvious that it's my fault. I mean, c'mon. I wouldn't have hurt you if you weren't close enough to hurt me. So get the fuck over it, man. God. What the hell is wrong with you? Stop depressing me. I've got enough to deal with. STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO CARE WHEN I DON'T. --Okay I'm sorry. This isn't about anyone in particular. At least not right now. This is what happened a long time ago. It's what happens sometimes, too. But not presently. Right now I'm fine~

--

I need a good, lengthy conversation spanning a huge, random amount of topics. I am so starved for a good book, for a good insight, for a good.. anything. I mean seriously. Everything in my life is just so mediocre and stupid and irritating right now. It's so.. fucked up. There is very little that is interesting at all. Somebody, entertain me. Somebody, tell me things I don't know. Somebody, occupy my time and give something worthwhile to talk about. SERIOUSLY. I am going to fucking die of boredom here. I'm rotting already. I'm desperate for whimsical things. I'm desperate for.. I don't know. I just really, really, really want something interesting. I AM SO DRAB. There is nearly nothing that is exciting going on. Homework, school, shit like that. GOD. This is the worst kind of wasted there is. Ennui.

OTL

--

You got a hollowpoint smile.

First of all. A very happy birthday (belated) to Daisy. I love you, hon. :) I hope you had a good one. *hug* Stay amazing, okay? Or else. Hahaha.

I shall begin with a mini-rant, then go on about yesterday and how FUCKING EPIC it was. Wooh.

I think the casting for Hunger Games is completely off. Honestly, I swear. It's horrible. Really, really horrible. Though I'm pretty sure if the HP series were cast as badly people would murder. I mean, c'mon.

Jennifer Lawrence is blonde and light-skinned. :| Katniss Everdeen has dark hair, olive skin, grey eyes. What is wrong with you people. ARE YOU BLIND? I think, though, if stoic-ness is what they're going after, and overall body construction, they should have taken Kristen Stewart. Yes, I am really saying this.

Josh Hutcherson is NOT blonde. He is also not as good looking as he once was. Yuck, man. Lucas Till would be much, much, much, much, MUCH better as Peeta. HE IS BLONDE. And he looks WAY better than Josh. His are the looks you would think Peeta would have. He's the guy you would like from a glance. JOSH IS NOT. Ohmygod, what.

Jared Padalecki should totally play Gale. For one, the build. Pada is ripped. F'cking ripped. And I mean, ripped. Plus, the hair. Plus, the looks. THE LOOKS. Liam Hemsworth is so... ugh. Basta. He is just no match for Pada, okay? I MEAN C'MON. And he is so not tall enough. DO YOU KNOW HOW TALL JARED PADALECKI IS?! He's over six feet. That is Gale. Liam is not. Jeez. What is up with the casting directors.

Okay, that's enough.

I have to start writing my ACET essay. I want to make it worth it. UWAH. o-o

Well. Now I think it's time for yesterday. Of course I won't spill on everything. That's insane and senseless. But hey, it was good.

I went to the review at school. English first! And my scores were epically low. Well, not really. I mean, I got the highest ones in class, but.. low. For me. I MEAN C'MON. 23/30 and 54/65?! ME?! Getting shitty scores like THAT?! Fuck no. I think I was pretty distracted. Careless, too. It was so stupid. I don't know what happened. Anyway. Then Geom! I barely paid attention. O_O At all. I don't even know what I did. It was just so ...whut.

Bio, but Ma'am went to Photon, and half the people who went to review from Grav moved over to the other room. We're paying for this, man. Haha. THE PHOTON ROOM HAS NO SIGNAL. OHMYGOSH. Plus I have no load. Well, I never did, but IT HAS NO SIGNAL. D:< So yeah.

And then I went to SM with Daisy. Though his friends left before we did, we got there first. BOOYAH. Hahaha. Watched the people inside that MAXX ride thingy, and then he ran. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It was so... ACK. Cannot breathe from laughter. XD Anyway. Huge amount of bickering over which movie to watch, while we bought Transformers 3 tickets for.. what did he call em. The Power Rangers! Haha.

And then they arrived. And then there was a ruckus because.. ahem. HAHAHA. Gosh. You cruel, terrible people. :P And then, well. Daisy and I decided to just watch TFs3 with the guys (plus Nessie, who tagged along) and then deviate from the group after. XD

We sat in the lower portion! Right behind the Power Rangers. Awesome. Haha. Though the movie was... well.. kind of.. hrm. Disappointing. There were funny parts, epic parts, cool parts, sweet parts, but.. ehh. First of all, the girl. She's hot, yes. I mean, really. O_O But her mouth is kind of.. like.. wtf. You know Monsters, Inc? After Mike stuck Randall's henchman in the Scream thingy? What his mouth looked like? Yeah, her mouth is a little like that.

Wait lang. ORLANDO BLOOM SHOULD TOTALLY BE CINNA. OHMYGOD WTF PLEASE. O_O

Anyway.

Shia's the same as ever. Josh Duhamel is still awesome. Epps, forgot his real name, but still freaking cool. Hahaha. Sam's parents are crazy. XD I will so humiliate my kid like that.

"It kinda reminds me of Bumblebee.. if Bumblebee was a piece of shit." HAHAHAHA. You are so awesome. XD

-

After that, well. We went and watched First Class, 'cause he hadn't watched it yet. And yes, it then became my third time watching it. I EVEN HAVE IT IN MY LAPTOP. I downloaded it back then 'cause I thought he wouldn't be able to watch it anymore. I.. think he still needs it. Hahahahahahaha. Anywaaay.

We went to the place. The thingy place. The place with the iced tea and the people. Yeah, that place. XD Then I changed into the dress! Yay me! Haha. The Power Rangers caught up with us, then we all went to KFC because I was craving fries.

Intermission. This is why I love you, dude. You'd make people go out of their way just to let me fulfill my whims. You're the best. (:

So after an eternity of lining up and bickering amongst us about what to order and teasing Daisy endlessly, we got to the counter! Also thank you to Miko who paid for.. I dunno, but he paid for something. Allan, too. Haha. Sadly, I didn't get to keep the change, because they are not as forgiving as Daisy. ): Uwah. Oh well.

So they lined up for a cab and we went to meet my maid at Club 21. IMAGINE THAT. And she was the one who suggested it pa, ah. Hahaha. How flippin' retarded. O_O

When we finally reached Rockbox we saw William in Room 1, then I think.. Miko came in? I dunno. I am sucky at playing guitar, so they suggested bass for me. AND I DID NOT KNOW THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER SET OF KEYS TO PRESS FOR TINY FINGERS WHAT THE FUCK. :| I lived through like four songs before I made that astonishing discovery. :| Goddamn.

Thank goodness there was a No Fail mode. HAHA. X3

We were forever switching between Rooms 1 and 3. At least, he and I were. And there was a tiny hassle over people, but.. hrm. It was resolved! Hooyay.

The Bar, Ice, and a sip of Red Horse. Also, iced tea, but that tasted like nothing. I don't know why people like drinking beer. It tastes horrible and leaves a strong scent. I mean, c'mon! Yuuuck. But oh well. Maybe I'm just used to other kinds of drinks. (>_<) I should bring you guys some Nordic Ice. Or or or! I could find a way to mix you up some Toblerone. ANYWAY. Haha.

People were being woozy left right and center. Puppy was blue. O: It's okay. We handled it. I guess. He disappeared every time I looked away for like, ten seconds. URGH. O_O But oh well. Couldn't be blamed. (:

It was still drizzling when I got home, but well. It was a flippin' awesome day! I guess it made up for my birthday, too. HAHA. I'm such a retard. But oh well.

Gravity don't mean too much to me.

Is this our destiny?

This world is after me, after you.

Run away, like it was yesterday

when we could run away.

If we could run away, run away from here.

Aaaah.

I.. I honestly don't know what to say.

..Okay two insects are mating on my laptop screen right now. Urgh. Moment ruiners, wtf. =)))

It just seems that.. well.. um. Hrm. Hahaha. I'm just kind of happy right now. Just a little bit. Because I'm getting those tiny little signs that maybe, just maybe, things are looking up, things are going my way, finally.

I'm just.. well. Hrm. Hahaha. SO VAGUE OHMYGOSH. Sorry. XD

It's just so fucking amazing to know that.. there are people who will always be there for you. There are people who don't foist sky-high expectations upon you, people you will never disappoint because they love you too much. People you don't have to care about hurting, which in turn makes you make sure you'll never hurt them. People who are just amazing.

I don't know what caused this surge of euphoria. All I know is.. I get to be happy for more than a moment, for once. And I like it. I think I've sort of forgotten, in the chaos of my life, what simple happiness was like.

Actually, I'm just gushing. Really really gushing. MY GOSH. I need to control myself. XD

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird." -Noah Calhoun. <3 The Notebook will forever remain one of the few sappy movies I love. (:

I don't know what else to say. Haha. My days are getting brighter, and my nights aren't so dark. All those nightmares that have literally been haunting my past few weeks.. they're easing away. (: I love this!

We always knew that it'd come to this;

it's times like these I forget what I'll miss.

Matters of heart, are hard to address,

especially when yours is full of emptiness.

And it's quite alright,

and goodbye, for now.

Just look up to the stars

and believe who you are,

'cause it's quite alright.

And so long, goodbye.

It's a terribly sad song.. but it made me feel good. (:

What else... I might be able to write tomorrow. Maybe, just maybe. WOOH. :")

If only you could see her smile.

--

Scratch that. I'm depressed again. XD

All these maybe's are killing me.

My lungs are aching from too much sighing. Srsly.

I'm so.. empty. I don't even know how to feel anymore. It's like there's something missing in my life, the kind of something that you need otherwise everything's pretty much pointless. 'Cause that's exactly how I feel, and how everything else seems to me. Pointless, useless, worthless. And I don't even know why.

Maybe it's just that I've never learned how to deal with this feeling, or lack thereof. Gahfuck. I don't even have the heart to say I hate my situation right now. All I can do is swear and bewail my problems to the world. I'm not suicidal, but I wouldn't mind dying right now. Just so I can prove my theory that of course people would feel bad.. but they'll bounce back. Is it too much to ask for some people not to be able to get over me? Is that too hard? Do you really have to be able to deal with it so neatly, so effortlessly? It's not fair.

Maybe it's my fault. I wouldn't be able to get over it if some people died. I know that for sure. But.. I'm an idiot like that. I've been told it so many times. I don't know why I can't just.. deal with it.

Maybe I'm just stuck in this rut of needing to be good enough, that I've forgotten some people aren't trying to be perfect. Maybe. *sigh*

So this little bullet of hatred and resentment and depression and apathy and hopelessness goes out to my ex. I know of no way to refer to you. Even using your name is awkward. So yeah. B, I guess. You know what that stands for.

You were the one who always made me feel like I had to be considerate and make sure the other person was happy, like if I didn't lie and maneuver myself carefully I'd end up being the one manipulated. You were the one who inadvertently, inevitably made me get used to never saying anything when I got hurt, never being able to confront because I was so scared of a fight, never showing any emotion other than one that was positive. I had to learn that I was flawed, that I needed to always be at my best and make sure you were happy or at least content, and that if you turned to other people it meant I wasn't good enough. It's your fault I can barely talk to a guy without feeling like I'm breaking a rule, your fault I get so riled up and see red when he talks to a girl about anything not school related. It's your fault I feel like a pile of emotional shit every single time I experience anything out of the ordinary. It's your fault my standards of a boyfriend became way too fucking high they don't allow for anything slightly less than superhuman. It's your fault that right now I'm crying so hard I can't breathe because I feel so i n c o m p l e t e .

Damn you.

Everything was beautiful.

Okay, so! Friday. *rubs hands*

Wait! First, the title's backstory. Because unlike the very dashing Flynn Rider, I do backstories. :> So anyway. I was Tumblin' like mad today and I came upon a post. It was a music file, playing the song When She Loved Me from Toy Story 2. And goddamn, it made me cry. (>_<) Uwah.

Well, enough mush! On to business. :D

Fun Day!

Black team was undeniably the best. Even though we didn't win. Not even close. But meh. This is the first and last Fun Day that I actually joined more than one game in. So yes, I love it. :>

Obstacle Course [Ma'am Cerla kept yelling my name and giving me "tips"]

Skin the Snake [We did it well during trial, and during the real thing we tripped into a messy jumble and someone SAT ON MY FACE WHAT THE FUCK]

Sack Race [I have no idea. We didn't even jump in time! Wth wah]

Catch the Tail [Super group hug! Hahaha. I dunno who let go though. O: Damn]

Also, I helped beautify Lois for the Beautifying Petra part. Nail polish and makeup and fake boobs galore! Ooh lala. HAHAHAHA.

It was flippin' hilarious. Gosh.

Anyway. I ended up talking to Lilcah about an issue that was meant to be serious, but knowing the two of us.. we made it hilarious. Don't worry, dude. Why would I ever be mad? :P This really means we're that awesome. Not even something as conspiratorially controversial as this could tear us apart. Fuck yeah!

So. Now for the partyyyy.

It was blacklight, which was amazing, and sadly I wore all white. Which meant I flippin' glooowed. Ahem. Blacklight Angel, but not really. :P The first part was kind of boring. I mean, we just sat down and "watched" the first years get acquainted with the rest of the school. And.. hahaha. I remember. Somebody yelled out something in the middle. Gosh, guys. You really should learn to control yourselves. Oh well.

So I got stuck bonding with puppy while the other batches acquainted. Which wasn't so bad, I mean, c'mon. We bickered and drew on each other and all that jazz. :))

Now comes the dancing! O: Wynken and Kristine pulled me away from him and danced me all over the place to some of the best songs ever. But well. Hrm. I don't know. I was waiting. I was the very persona of anticipation and apprehension that night. Nothing really.. happened though. I don't know at which point I realized I had to give up. Oh well.

Macy paged me to go to him and dance. WHAT THE FUCK MAN. Hahaha. We're such retards. XD Though it was fun bickering.

My maid made me go home too damn early. FUCK. :/

[Ahem. We've got good taste]

--

Saturday.

We went to Starbucks and THEY FINALLY SPELLED MY NAME RIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER!! Ohmygosh. XD

We also colored our Planet book, and taught each other languages, and drank Esprit. Which tastes vaguely like alcohol at first, to the delight of some, and ends up like juice after a while, to their chagrin. :P Sucks for you, hon.

--

Sunday.

We went to Garden Cafe, and we will never ever ever go back. For the same reason we won't go back to Emillion's and Fully Booked. Holy shit. HAHAHAHA.

Bumper! I love Bumper! And the fluffy yellow cushion seats! And reading Cosmo! And the waffles we decimated. XD

--

Monday.

I went to school for the review but apparently there was none. Wtf? So I ended up talking to people and staying at the coop and basically wasting away languidly. X3 Hurray for me.

And now I am typing this, and I am very, very hungry. I do not want to have the flag cem tomorrow. I do not want to be called out for my hair or my nails or my insanity. I do not want to have CAT. I hate this. Fuuuck. Gaah. I don't want any of this. I want my life to be okay.

I want someone to talk to who I don't have to worry about the feelings of. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. I want to be rude and random and careless and free. I don't want to be held back. Everything is always holding me back and I hate it.

Maybe I'm just hormonal or something right now. I don't know. I just really don't like this feeling.

I want to wake up and feel like everything's going to be good that day, not like I have things to do and people to impress and words I can never say. It feels horrible.

Honestly, I love the one who greets me good morning with a smile or a hug or a pet name. Sometimes all three. You make my day, whenever you do that. (:

I don't know what to say anymore. I guess I'll end this blog entry with a lyric from a song.

[Taylor Swift, you write the songs that speak my life. Your lyrics are nearing the league of MCR's already, that's how much they mean to me. Thank you. ]

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how;

I've never heard silence quite this loud.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking.

And I'm dying to know, is it killing you like it's killing me?

Momentary

I guess I was trying to lie to myself. Apparently I'm the only one it doesn't work on.

So to everybody who was suspecting that that would happen... yeah, you were right and I was wrong. It happened.

I just realized. Well, actually, no. I've known for years. I get fevers when I worry. About anything, anything at all. And then the fever dissipates and I break into a cold sweat. My voice gets hoarse, and I get dizzy, and I need to sit down or I'm going to collapse.

And then I'm fine. Because I push the worry to the back of my head and I deal with whatever the hell is threatening me and I go by my impulses.

Logan highly disapproves of this strategy. Hahaha.

There's a butterfly in my apartment, and I want to kill it. I really, really do. Ooh, I'm in one of my morbid moods.

This is way worse than what I felt before. Because back then I never made any promises that I was compelled to keep. Logan's gotten stronger lately, and I don't like it at all.

So many walls up, I can't break through.

I WANT SOMETHING I WOULD WANT. NOT SOMETHING FOISTED ON ME BY THE CRAPPY HAND OF DESTINY. FUCK YOU, DESTINY.

One day I'll get fed up with being this passive, and I'll implode quietly and possibly shoot someone. Yay for me.

I shoulda known.

I really hate how my ex always seems to be right. Even when we both know we're not interacting with each other ever, ever again.. he's still got the upper hand. It's not that he cares less. I'm pretty sure I've picked up the talent of how not to give a crap from him, or at least the last few months of our relationship.

But even when we're over.. the words he told me ring true. Too damn true. What the fuck.

Fine, you were right. I shouldn't have gone mainstream. It made me lose my sense of self completely. Even if it will totally inconvenience me.. I want to destroy my Facebook account now. I mean, honestly. He sent me like, two lines of text? And that wholly negated all the prompts from everyone else, ever, to make one. DAMN YOU.

And that other thing you said. Long, long ago. About what I should have done, what I shouldn't have done, everything. FUCK IT. I think I'm realizing you were right. I was wrong. I'm always wrong, I guess, when it comes to you. I guess it's just a reflex. With you, I'm always screwing up. It came to the point when I got to thinking that we couldn't exist in any other way. You'd be right, and I'd be wrong, and that was the way it was going to stay, forever.

Even now. You were right, I was wrong. I'm learning to admit it, yeah. Years too late, and I'm sorry for that. It's hard to shake the habit of not being corrected.

So I shouldn't have done that. And I'm starting to regret it, honestly. DAMNIT. Why do I never listen to anyone who's right? I drag myself into all the worst situations. But hey, I guess it's experience. Or some shit like that.

At least I'm pretty sure now that nothing lasts. And thank you, very much, for showing me that I will always, always be strong enough to walk away. I'm thinking I might need that sometime.

--

Damn. This got too.. personal.

Then again, this is a blog. So fuck off. Hahaha.

I really don't trust anyone anymore. People are letting their pride and their grudges and their damned emotions get the best of them. I thought that was only me.

But hey, in my defense. I would never, ever, ever, be as shitty as to break confidence just because I got pissed. Honestly.

I don't know what to do with my life. Fuck.

Angels above us

..are making gay babies! =))) At least, according to my amazing best friend. XD

Okay, so I shall start with yesterday.

My dentist changed my wires, I don't know why. I swear to god, I fucking hate her. e_e I mean, c'mon. I can't even eat right anymore. My entire lower jaw is throbbing with the pain. EVEN WHEN I DO NOT CHEW. I'm getting a strange lisp. I already have a strange lisp, though Puppy can't seem to notice it. o-o

Also, I picked up my tita and her family last night. They got there at around 10.. so we had dinner at like, 11:30. I got home after one. e_e

YOU MADE ME SAFFRON. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. URGH.

Kidding. Hahaha. I don't mind.

ZOE WAS SO FUCKING ADORABLE, I SWEAR. She kept asking questions! And even when I was so dead tired I just kept talking to her and answering. I mean, it's been a while since anyone's been that interested in me. Haha. I have needs too! I am only human.

They're used to our climate now, though they've been in Sydney for eight years. They say it's 'cause they just came from Darwin, which has a climate like ours.

Speaking of Darwin. DARWIN DIED. OH NOOOO. D:

Did you guys know he was the Mormon guy in House season 4? XD Except obviously he's buffer here. Hahaha. I love his power. I so fucking love it. ADAPT TO SURVIVE! :>

Okay, so. Gimmick time!!

I had a clothing crisis. I swear to god. I had no idea what to wear. e_e Well, since he was wearing what he wore the morning after Sofitel, I decided to wear what I wore at Sofitel.

... that sounds really wrong. WHAT THE FUCK. Hahaha. For everyone's information, nothing happened. Hahaha.

So, board shorts and a white blouse. And white Sanüks, 'cause my blacks are broken. D: Uwah.

I picked up Kirsten at her place. OHMYGOSH I MISSED YOU BUDDYYYY. LONG TIME NO SEE. >:D< You're so epic. :">

And then we picked up Pandy and Meliza at McDo Katip. We were trying to hide from Pandy, but apparently three short girls crouching over a table and giggling loudly was somehow very suspicious and conspicuous. I wonder why. o-o

So we had a really insane car conversation going to Greenhills, just like last time with Daisy. OOH. Hahaha.

So we went and checked out the movie schedules. And after much, much bickering, we decided on X-Men: First Class. So we bought the tickets!

And after a little more bickering, we decided to eat a CPK. CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN FOR THE WIN. XD

After some more bickering [we love bickering, I think you can pretty much tell =))) ] we had a pizza with one half with mushrooms, and another half without mushrooms but with extra cheese. XD Pandy paid for most of it! Hurrah. =)))

Where did we go next? Oh right. We bought cookies. After much, much bickering. =))) One dozen tiny cookie bits, and one dozen cookies. DAMNIT. Meliza finished all the tiny cookie bits. And Pandy left the cookies at the Lazer Tag place! TT_TT But I'm getting ahead of myself. Hrm.

X-Men was amazing. MAGNETO WAS SO FUCKING HOT. RIGHT KIRSTEN? UWAH WE MUST FIND THE ACTOR!

Kirsten was trying to say hi to the people behind her! And the person in front kept putting his popcorn up, what the hell. =)))

MAGNETO TURNING EVIL WAS NOT MY FAULT PANDY. AND NEITHER WAS THE FACT THAT THERE WAS NO SECRET ENDING AFTER THE CREDITS. TT_TT Damn. Noo. Marvel movies, you have failed us! D:

So we went and played Lazer Tag. We got beaten by stupid chinky-eyed people. Fuckers. Campers. YOU FUCKING CHEATERS. e_e

We were so fucking tired after lazer tag. Though I think it is one of the most awesome games in existence. (:

Mom's mad, but meh. I love this day. I love you guys so much.

"When did you start turning into a baby who screams at me whenever she doesn't get what she wants?"

"Right when you stopped giving me what I want!" HAHA I love iCarly. Carly sounds like me. XD

Messages

My kindergarten best friend.

I'm sorry I can't even remember your name. But thank you, thank you so much for putting up with my crazed child self. Because I know that I took everyone's things and food and never gave any of mine. (:

Barricade.

I still can't accept the fact that there's a huge possibility you're gone from me forever. You know I'm always going to miss you, no matter where in hell I end up or what the circumstances around me may be. I swear to god. You made me feel two important things:

-The giddy over-infatuated feeling of a first real crush, and

-The wonderful solidness of having a friend you know you can rely on

and they're for the same reasons, too, actually. Can you believe that? Haha. You knew when to act all retarded and play along with my insanity, and when to be serious at first and then become retarded. XD You knew just what to do to make me feel insanely great, and it'll be damn impossible to find anyone else like that, ever. Not that I'll try, 'cause nobody could ever replace you. I think I've saved a pretty definite spot in my heart for you; the kind of spot you can't give to anyone else.

GP

I bet you don't even know who you are, dumbfuck. Well, anyway. This entry will not be full of angry swear words. At least, I hope. You were a pretty good almost-best friend, you know. But.. I don't even know what happened. You just started getting really.. meh. I think maybe that was 'cause you liked me, but hey. That's no excuse for letting our friendship go rotten, you know? Maybe this is a cruel thing to say, but.. when you said what you said (and you know what you said) you ruined any chance you had at all of being with me. Actually, you had none. Hahaha. But still, y'know? That.. was totally uncalled for and stupid. Why would you even say that. You ruined TWO YEARS of my life by saying that. You destroyed his trust in me completely. And the most fucked up thing about it? I DID NOTHING TO PROVOKE THAT, DIPSHIT. I mean. With other things. If I was talking to another guy a lot, and he got mad, that's understandable. That actually did happen, you know? But you. God. I hadn't even talked to you for MONTHS. And you had the gall, the fucking gall, to get pissed and depressed when I said I had a boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with you. And then I had to go cheer you up and pretend to give a shit about you, because I'm too damn nice for my own good. And then you went and said that. And then it completely decimated his trust in me. And THAT led to the rule making, the rule breaking, a dozen fights a day, and a lot of pain. Yeah, physical pain. If you ever found out just what you put into my life.. knowing the kind of person you are, you might just kill yourself. I'm actually thinking of letting you know, to see that happen. Imagine. You ended up getting the girl you liked beaten up to shit. I wonder. I fucking wonder.

Juliet

I can't even say anything other than.. I'm sorry. For never being able to put you up first. For never being able to accept whatever you try to tell me. For fighting back so much. For never admitting whenever you got me right, which was all the time. I don't even know why I never yielded to it in the first place. I'm sorry for that, too. But let me tell you one thing. I'm going to find some way to make it right, okay? I'm going to try. I'm going to tell you exactly what I've got to tell you when I can. I just never get the chance. You know what that's like too, don't you? Hrm. And that's my fault. But I swear. I'm going to fix this, because you deserve it. You deserve at least a shred of an explanation, not an excuse.

Fin

For one thing.. I cut you out of my life on purpose. It was because you were becoming too much of a jerk than I could handle at that point in time, and you had way too many problems that you always expected me to fix and never really did anything about yourself. I mean.. I know I was a great best friend. I was always, always there for you, even when I felt I didn't have to be. But did it ever occur to you that sometimes I needed to be the one cheered up? That even I had my weaknesses? That just because I could always make you better didn't mean nothing was wrong in my life? But hey. We bounced back, didn't we? Haha. We're cool now. I think, better than we were before. We're a bit more honest (though how that's possible compared to how honest we were before, kind of escapes me) and our issues are kind of resolved. So maybe you don't belong on this list completely. But I wanted to let you know anyway. :)) [by the way.. I need your help solving a problem of mine. I don't know who else to turn to, literally. I'm locked in]

muffin.

Actually.. I don't think you ever passed through the stage of being my best friend. The only thing you ever were to me was the one person who could cut me down and put me back together with one swift, flawless move. So you really don't deserve to be on this list. But hey, I lost you anyway, right? And yes, it is my loss. Maybe it's yours too, but I'm not so sure about that. All you lost was a girl who was insane and stubborn and screwed up. I lost the guy who was incredible and who was in love with me and who put up with my dysfunctionality for two years. I lost the guy who was trying to make me better, and you lost the girl who only ever made you worse. So I guess it was a good thing, for both of us, in some way. I learned my lesson.. and you get to be happy.

K

I can't believe I lost you, albeit only slightly. I mean, really. We fell out of touch for more than a year. That killed me. I was without one of the few people who let me be crazy and who could cheer me up. Then again, I never wanted to depress you with all my problems. I still miss you, even if we're talking already. Please, please don't fall out of my life again. I can't stand it.

Urgh.

Well, for one thing.. I need a goddamned plot. O_O I cannot think of anything.

I've already jotted down ideas for the first four novellas.. but the last one, I have no idea. :/ Damnit.

Also.. I've had to do things that I really didn't want to do. That I'm totally not alright with doing. And it's killing me inside. ARGH.

I haven't even gone out with three of the most epic people in my life yet this summer. Wonderboy, HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LOVE YA BRO. Pandy, you weener. -__- Endy.. I can never get used to calling you this. Damnit. =)))) [also.. Daisy cannot stomach calling Pandy by her "real" name. I HAVE WON]

Okay, so.. I've decided to make a blog entry right after this, that will focus solely on messages to all the best friends I've ever had to lose. Endy, thank god you're not there. (>:D<)

MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIAA. <3

Eskimo. [OVER HERE, BAMBI]

What is the one thing you butt?

Here we go again.

I'm getting headaches every other day. Romeo, this really isn't fair. Can't you go torture someone else? T_T

I realized I haven't blogged a lot lately. Maybe I'm too occupied. ARGH. This really, really, sucks. I haven't written a lot lately, either. Damnit. I actually write more when I've got school, than when I don't. I'm too busy doing absolutely nothing, apparently.

Well, for starters, I've got a Facebook account now. What the hell, right? So awkward. Hahaha.

It is completely intimidating, though. I mean, seriously. What do I DO with it. O_O

My life isn't so great at the moment. Things aren't going according to plan [then again.. since when did I ever really have a plan?] and more often than not I'm disappointed. Oh well. It isn't really like I expected anything different, right? Eh.

My parents won't let me go to the UPCAT review. What the hell. And I got 600 in Math when I took the practice test. O_O I'm so totally fucking screwed. Hahaha.

Hey, Barricade. I miss you. We haven't talked in.. years. And just when Logan had stopped telling me I couldn't risk it.. I lose hope. Gah. Why must this sort of thing always happen to me? And the losing hope is what makes me want. Urgh.

I was right, a long, looong, looooong time ago. My life is a perfect sad story. (:

I'm honestly going to give a huge effort in making friends when I go to the writing workshop. I kind of need it. There's an awkward sort of loneliness you feel when you're surrounded by people you don't even care about and the ones you need are so far away. It eats at your core.

It was a bittersweet sort of relief that I felt when I realized nothing, absolutely nothing lasts forever. And everything is meant to die. It made me.. happy, somehow. Is that weird for you? Extremely? Thank god. I'm back in business. :P

Baby, where'd you go? I need you here tonight.

Subliminal

Okay, hey. I'm writing this from Safari, 'cause for some retarded reason I cannot sign into Blogger from Chrome. Daamn.

Anyway. I'm writing this because .. I have been compelled to. I have no other choice. Few will understand it. And no, I will NOT explain it. At all. Because ye who understand it.. are ye who deserve to.

Assassinated US President,

-Wolverine and goddess-of-the-hunt send their fondest regards.

They also apologize quite profusely for the terrible lack of kshk kshk. Honestly.

The Cheshire is caught in a dilemma.

Not a dilemma fixable by kshk kshk; because there is

no possibility at the moment.

Or for an indefinite period of time.

Again, -Wolverine and goddess-of-the-hunt send their apologies.

This has been encountered previously.

The Cheshire trusts Assassinated US President to figure out

the problem exactly, and trusts stab-happy Tango

to be forgiving.

-W, g-o-t-h, CC

*It is imperative that this message not be met

with any reply visible to those who would seek

to do what the rest of the world has been trying to do for a long while now.

Ten Things

So for the first time in a while I got a message in my ask that wasn't spam, yay me! And of course I shall abuse this amazing occurrence by writing an excessively long post instead of just a quick list. Get ready. :P

1. I'm a compulsive liar. I don't do it for the fun of it or anything.. it's more like a reflex, y'know? It's one line of my defenses. I need to know that I can lie, otherwise I'll feel vulnerable, and that leads to number two--

2. I tend to run away. I take the easy way out, but not always. I run when I get scared, when I can't handle what's happening. I don't like having to fight my way out of anything much. But maybe that's 'cause--

3. I don't like confrontation. Seriously, I don't. I'd rather just keep the feeling inside until something makes it go away, or I can start running. That's also why I lie so much. It's hard for me just to face my problems. And the problems never really go away, prob'ly 'cause--

4. I get into much more trouble than I'm worth. I make the trouble sometimes, too. All those bad characteristics up there, plus the ones I've yet to enumerate, well, they're some of the perfect ingredients for trouble. I haven't succeeded in going even a week without some form of trouble. That's maybe due to the fact that--

5. I strongly dislike rules, boundaries, limitations of any sort. I am not good at being told what to do. Requested, yes, of course, but knowing I'm unable to refuse for any reason.. that just strikes a nerve with me. "Don't.." marks the start of a terrible sentence, for me. So of course I'd end up finding some creative way to go against these rules, which is a problem, 'cause--

6. I'm not good at accountability. I don't like having to answer to what I've done. Yeah, maybe I've been spoiled by the people around me, maybe they've convinced some part of me that I'm above all that crap. Which really sucks, since--

7. I'm already too arrogant. I know exactly what I'm worth, thank you very much. I don't like having to settle for less than what I want, need, deserve. And yes, I took these words from someone who's told me I'm arrogant, but in an attractive way. I have absolutely no idea what they meant by that. Hahaha. But even though I'm proud--

8. I'm too damn nice for my own good. It's true. Ask anyone who knows me well. I am honestly one of the nicest people ever. I can't help it. It's bad, I know, 'cause some people take that inherent niceness to be.. some other thing. I don't betray people on purpose, okay? I'm just really damn NICE. However--

9. I've got a temper. And it's a pretty volatile one, too. Sometimes even I don't know just how far my anger will take me. It scares me, too. Maybe that's what happens when you're with a hot-tempered guy for two years. But hey, I don't blame him or anything. It's good to know I can feel. Hey look, an opening for the next one--

10. I've got whims. There are these random things I want to do, sudden flashes of inspiration. That's why I can't stand boring people, people whose feet are firmly on the ground when mine are stuck somewhere in marshmallow clouds. I like being around people who can play along with me, mess around with me. Being serious was never really my forte.

I s'pose that's all I can write. They did say only ten things after all. Those are ten bits of me that not a lot of people know outright but have experienced in one way or another. And if any of those have hurt you.. I'm sorry. But that's me.